In Your Eyes
by Adelle Laudan
Smashwords Edtion
Copyright © 2010 Adelle Laudan
This book is available in print through author website
Cover illustration by Winterheart Design © 2010
Smashwords Edition License Notes
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
Editor: Faith Bicknell-Brown
Print ISBN: 978-0-9865413-3-9
EBook ISBN 978-0-9865413-7-7
Dedicated to
My Shining Stars
Richelle & Laura
I am so proud of the young ladies you’ve become.
I treasure each and every moment with you girls
I pray for many more times we can
Laugh and be a little silly together.
I pray that all of your dreams come true.
Most of all...
I pray that you know
Exactly how much
I love you
Rebel child
Beautiful baby
Born into a life of abuse
Born destined to be abuse her life
Rebel child
Always on the run
Not knowing where you are headed
Not knowing where you came from
Rebel child
Such a beauty
Using her smile to find acceptance
Using her smile to accept her reality
Rebel child
Silently weeping
Trying to understand her past
Trying to forget her memories
Rebel child
Easing her pain
Drowning her sorrows in a bottle
Drowning in an ocean of guilt
Rebel child
Always searching
Looking for love in all the wrong places
Looking for a place to call home
Rebel child
Is missing
No one is looking for her
No one knows she is gone
Rebel child
Finds peace
Escape was at the bottom of a bottle
Escape caressed her, took away the pain.
Chapter One
The front door slammed shut, silencing Lizzy’s eighteenth birthday celebration. She sat at the head of the table usually reserved for her stepfather, Ben. Her mother and stepbrother, Steven, sat on either side of Lizzy. She closed her eyes to make a wish before blowing out the candles.
“Where the hell is everybody?”
Her eyelids flew open; everyone’s gazes darted down the narrow hall to the front entrance. Ben leaned against the doorjamb, a twisted grin on his face. The smell of whiskey wafted into the kitchen and soured the sweet scent of the icing. The beautifully decorated cake slowly became a puddle of melted wax.
His presence quickly changed Lizzy’s happiness to fear. She inhaled deeply and braced herself for what she knew would come next. Mentally, she counted Ben’s footsteps as he made his way to the kitchen. Every few steps, he bounced off the hall walls and stopped to regain his balance.
Even his son, who could do no wrong in Ben’s eyes, gripped the tabletop so hard his knuckles turned white. Lizzy’s mother slowly rose to her feet and stood in front of them. She took a deep breath before she lifted her chin and pushed back a stray lock of her flaming red hair.
“You’re just in time, Ben. We were getting ready to have some birthday cake.” Delia’s chipper invitation belied the tremble of fear that ran through her words.
“Birthday cake?” He loomed over the table. Spit sprayed all over the cake as he spoke. His eyes filled with anger and loathing as his glare pierced through each one of them in turn. “You mean to tell me, while I’m out slaving at the mill to put food on this table, you’re throwing my hard-earned money away on such nonsense as a birthday cake?”
Delia’s hand covered the locket around her neck; she turned it over in her hand. “Lizzy, Steven, go up to your rooms, please.”
Their chairs scraped against the wood floor. Lizzy and Steven stood and slowly inched away from the table toward the doorway.
“I don’t think so!” Ben’s fist slammed on the tabletop, silverware bounced across the shiny wood finish. He rounded the table and stuck his hand in the center of the cake.
Candles toppled over in the icing. He took a handful and plopped it down in front of each of them. “You all want cake? Eat it! I’ll be damned if you’ll throw it out after spending a small fortune of MY money on it.”
“Ben!” Delia motioned for Lizzy and Steven to hurry from the room. “Please...it’s Lizzy’s birthday.”
“Lizzy’s birthday.” He mimicked, his lips twisting into an angry snarl. “I don’t give a fuck if it’s the Queen of England’s birthday.” His icing-covered fist slid off the side of the table, and he crashed to the floor where he stayed, passed out cold.
“Quick, go!” Delia pleaded with Lizzy and her stepbrother and ran to Ben’s aid.
Lizzy grabbed her mother’s shirt sleeve. “I don’t want to leave you alone with him.”
“For God’s sake, Lizzy, go! I’ll be fine.”
Reluctantly, she did as her mother asked and ran to the stairway that led up to her room. Steven hadn’t wasted a second in following their mother’s orders, the bang of his door reverberating throughout the old farmhouse. Lizzy stumbled up the stairs, her vision blurred. Her heart hammered in her chest as she fumbled with the doorknob and flung open the door. She slammed it shut and slid the bolt. With her back against the door, she gave in to the torrent of tears and slid down until her bottom hit the cool hardwood floor.
A loud bang stopped her crying, and she pressed her ear to the door. Her mother grunted under her stepfather’s weight, pausing after each step to catch her breath. How many times had she heard this same sound since her mother had married Ben and they’d come to live in Acadia? She knew what would happen next. Delia would put him to bed, and all the while, he’d mumble incoherently. The sun would rise in the morning, and she’d get him up for work, making him coffee and a lunch befitting a king. Not one word would be spoken about the previous night, the kitchen magically cleaned up and back to its natural state as if nothing had ever happened.
Lizzy sighed wearily upon hearing her mother’s footsteps pad back down the stairs. Under any other circumstance, she’d offer to help clean up the mess, but anger and fear kept her exactly where she sat. Slomo stretched out luxuriously from atop her bed and meowed in her direction before she jumped down and stepped onto her lap. She ran her hand through the silky mass of orange fur, and the cat turned over, offering her belly.
Lizzy hiccupped and shook her head. “Happy Birthday to me.” Her fingers slid across the soft underbelly of her most trusted confidant.
* * *
Tension hung in the air like a rain cloud that threatened to break open. Silence permeated the house. Ben had long been gone by the time Lizzy crawled out of bed. Her mother had yet to make eye contact with her this morning, and as predicted, any trace of Ben’s outburst had miraculously vanished from the kitchen.
“I have to go to the bank this morning. Would you like to come along?”
Lizzy shrugged over her bowl of cereal. Not wanting to hear the same lame excuses for Ben, she decided to go along with her mother’s pretences. “I guess so.”
Delia stepped up from behind her. “Thank you,” she whispered against her hair.
Lizzy brushed her mother’s arms away before she wrapped them around her. She tipped the bowl to her mouth to drain the last of the milk. Just because she wasn’t talking about it, didn’t mean she’d forgotten. She stood and set her bowl in the sink before taking her leave to get dressed.
Her wardrobe consisted of a collection of print jumpers and cotton blouses. The humidity hung thick in the air, so she opted for a plain, sleeveless jumper that fell past her knees.
Lizzy always had a style of her own. She remembered the culture shock on the first day of high school after being home schooled her entire life. The other girls dressed in tight-fitting hip huggers and short belly tops. Girls her age were going gah-gah over boys, but the only thing that excited Lizzy was mastering a new chord on her guitar. She looked at her acoustic guitar. Maybe she’d go to her special place, where it was nice and quiet, and she could be at one with nature. Music calmed her fears far better than any prescription ever could.
Maybe that’s what’s missing in Ben’s life, why he’s filled with so much anger. He needs more music in his life. No, I better go with Mother. I can steal away later after we get home.
Her hair shone under the brush bristles. The natural wave came from her mother’s unruly red curls, and the golden blonde from her father. In the summer, when the sun kissed her hair, red tinged the crown of her head.
“Lizzy, are you ready?”
“You be good,” said Lizzy to Slomo, who lay sprawled out on top of her bed.
Her mother waited out front of the house with the car’s motor running. As usual, she’d tamed her wild curls back to a plait that lay over her shoulder. She always took such pride in her looks. People often thought of her as being much too young to be Lizzy’s mother.
They traveled down the old country roads to Acadia’s center. The drone of the radio played country ballads of love lost while Delia parked the car out front of the bank.
“I’ll meet you over at the store,” said Delia. “I shouldn’t be too long.”
Lizzy crossed the street. Acadia’s general store carried everything from a can of peas to a sheet of drywall. The bell above the door tinkled as she walked inside. The first people she spotted, Edi Woodward and her son, Adam, stood over in the canning section. Edi pointed to something she wanted off a high shelf, and her son put the item into her cart.
She’d never spoken more than a cursory hello to the tall, blonde Adam Woodward. Each time she came within ten feet of him a familiar flutter started in the pit of Lizzy’s stomach. Lizzy stole away to the corner of the store where two tall bookshelves housed the town’s only public library. She looked for new sheet music; sometimes the store proprietor would pick up sheet music for her on his monthly trip to the wholesalers.
The bells above the door rang out, followed seconds later by Edi’s loud greeting.
“Delia! What a nice surprise!”
The two women met in the middle of the store and hugged. Edi, only a few years older than Delia, wore her silver hair up in an untidy knot at the back of her head. Her full bosom pulled the flowery print of her housedress taut. Next to the more modern dress of dark wash jeans and the tight fitting cotton t-shirt that Lizzy’s mother wore, Edi looked like a grandmother.
Lizzy could totally relate to Adam, who now rolled his eyes and frowned while his mother carried on about nothing in particular. He met Lizzy’s gaze for a brief moment. He threw his hands up in defeat and flashed a bright white smile in her direction before he turned and disappeared behind the stacks of plywood.
Heat rushed to Lizzy’s cheeks, relieved to see him go. Lizzy, get hold of yourself. She picked up an oversized magazine and opened it in front of her face, hiding her unexpected reaction. What is it about this guy? There were umpteen guys at school and not one of them flustered her like this.
She inhaled deeply and remained hidden behind the magazine until she regained control of her senses. She must not allow herself to fall prey to the powers of men. Nothing good could come of it. Her mother and Ben Stokes were proof positive of that.
* * *
Adam ducked behind the pile of plywood, feeling Lizzy’s gaze follow him to the hardware section. He’d seen the way her cheeks turned pink when their gazes had met. This wasn’t the first time they’d run into each other around town. Almost every time they’d been with their mothers except for the odd time he’d ridden through Acadia and spotted her coming or going from one of the stores. He doubted she’d even noticed his motorcycle pass by. In fact, she probably didn’t even know that he rode one. Why would she? She certainly wasn’t the kind of girl to go for a guy like him.
He’d asked a couple questions here and there about Delia’s daughter, careful not to set off Edi’s matchmaker sensors. She was forever trying to hook him up with this daughter or that niece. He never had much luck with the opposite sex. They either proposed marriage on the second date or were completely turned off by his stutter. It wasn’t like he had any control over it. If girls didn’t make him so nervous, it wouldn’t even be an issue.
Give me Sally any day of the week. His vintage motorcycle was always there when he needed her and not once had she ever judged him. All he had to do was keep gas in her tank and oil levels up the way she liked it and she’d purr like a kitten under his touch.
Well, maybe a little louder than a kitten.
“Now, where did that son of mine get to?” Edi stretched her neck to look above the shelves; the loose skin around her throat jiggled in sync with her head as it turned from side to side. “Adam?”
Adam hurried over to her before she started a shouting session trying to find him. His mother had never been soft spoken, but everyone who knew her loved her, and he wouldn’t change a thing about her.
“Are we done here?” he asked.
“We’re done when I say we’re done. Don’t be cheeky. Now go get me some of those pickling seeds over there and we’ll be on our way.”
Adam smirked and did as asked. He watched Delia and Lizzy leave the store and cursed himself for chickening out again. Just as he turned away he saw Lizzy laugh along with her mother. A natural beauty. There isn’t anything made up or phony about that girl. Damn! Next time I will talk to her.
“I thought you were the one in a hurry.” Edi snatched the bag of seeds from his hand and tossed them into her cart. “That’s the problem with young people nowadays. They always have their heads stuck up in the clouds.”
“Will that be everything today, Edi?” The owner, Stan, chuckled under his breath and winked at Adam over his glasses that always seemed to sit precariously on the tip of his nose.
Adam winked back and loaded the two bags of groceries into his arms. “I’ll put these in the truck for you, Mom.”
Edi shook her head and clicked her tongue. “I suppose you’re off chasing clouds for the rest of the afternoon?” She followed him out of the store with a wave back to Stan.
“You bet I am. Why else would I work like crazy since the break of dawn?” He set the bags down in the back of the truck.
“Oh, I don’t know. So you could help your mother do some pickling this afternoon?”
Adam raised a brow and looked down at her flushed face. “Do you need me to help?”
She smacked his arm playfully and tugged open the driver’s door. “Get on with ya.”
She squeezed in behind the wheel and gasped to catch her breath. “This heat will be the death of me. You go on and enjoy yourself; you’re no good to me with Sally on your mind.”
He ducked in the window and pecked her on the cheek. “You put your feet up for a spell before you set to work pickling. I’ll be home by supper time.”
Edi shooed him away with a wave of her hand and turned the key in the ignition.
Adam waited on the curb and watched her pull away and head toward the cottage they called home. He worried about her when she got breathless like that. She’s always doing too much.
In front of the diner, Sally sat sparkling in the afternoon sun. Being the town’s handyman suited him fine, and he had a steady group of customers he did odd jobs for. He set his own hours, which left him plenty of time to ride. Life was simple here in Acadia, just the way he liked it. He threw a leg over Sally and turned the key in the ignition. Riding was a part of his identity. Adam couldn’t imagine not being in the wind.
The townsfolk were all used to seeing the Triumph around town, and for the next few minutes, he sat with his eyes closed, listening to her speak a language he’d come to need as badly as a junky needs his next fix.
If music soothed the savage beast, then the rumble of this iron beast soothed this biker’s soul. He strapped on his lid and shifted into gear. Above him, the clouds taunted him to a game of chase. He nodded upwards. Game on.
Chapter Two
Lizzy sat cross-legged on the swing. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply, giving her body permission to relax. A stifling fog of tension had hung in the air since her eighteenth birthday. Pretending that it never happened seemed to be the unspoken resolution to the dysfunction in her family. It took a great deal of energy not to smack the smug look of victory off of Ben’s face whenever he graced them with his presence.
She sighed wearily and opened her eyes. The front porch offered a spectacular view of the acreage surrounding the old farmhouse. Today, the Gaelic melodies she strummed on her guitar held an air of melancholy. From atop the apple trees, mockingbirds sang in sombre chorus. If only life were as simplistic as the music she played. Before they moved to Acadia, laughter played a big part in her life. Now she spent much of her time praying Ben would come home sober.
Why did Mom marry a man like him? He couldn’t be more ill-suited for her, for us.
Every time she tried to talk to her mother about Ben, Delia would say the same thing, “He had a rough childhood, Lizzy. Be patient.”
We’ve been here for almost two years now and nothing has changed. If anything, it’s grown worse.
Dust plumed from her stepfather’s truck as he barrelled up the long gravel laneway. Her fingers momentarily hovered over the strings before she grasped the smooth mahogany sides of her guitar. Ben never came home at this time of day. This can’t be good.
Maybe his quick temper had got him fired from his job at the sawmill. He’d already been warned numerous times to cool his jets. He climbed out of his rickety old pickup, his body tense, eyes focused on the ground. She couldn’t gauge his mood from his stony expression.
“What the hell is going on?”
Lizzy jumped and narrowed her eyes. Her heart beat so loudly that surely he heard it. “What do you mean?” she asked, not even sure if she wanted him to answer.
“The boss pulled me off of the job.” He yanked the front door open. “He said I needed to come home, something about an emergency…Delia!” Ben stormed into the house.
“She’s not here.” Lizzy firmed her hold on the guitar. “Nobody was here when I got home from school.”
Ben stomped back outside, the veins bulging in his neck. “Is this somebody’s idea of a joke?” Ben loomed above her, spittle spraying down in her face. “What the…?”
The crunch of gravel drew his attention. He spun around to see Chief Daniels driving down the lane in his police car. His fists clenched at his sides, and he jumped off of the porch to the gravel drive.
Lizzy’s heart hammered. She had half a mind to bolt down the steps and run off in the opposite direction, through the fields, until she reached her special place. An afternoon spent daydreaming down by the creek sounded so much better than being here right now. She stood and grabbed hold of the wooden column for support.
The grave expression on the chief’s face intensified her desire to flee. Ben’s hands flailed about and, given the string of obscenities that spewed out of his mouth, she’d rather not know the reason for the chief’s visit. Her stepfather stormed over to his truck, jumped behind the wheel, and tore off down the laneway; gravel flew out from under its tires.
Chief Daniels shook his head as he watched Ben’s dramatic exit. Lizzy held her breath, one leg bouncing up and down, anticipating the shift in his focus to her. It seemed like a lifetime passed before the chief turned and climbed the front steps. She forced herself to exhale. Despite Daniel’s intimidating size, the kindness she saw in his expressive blue eyes allowed her to relax a little.
He placed his big hand on her quivering shoulder. “I’m afraid I have some bad news for you, young lady,” he began, his voice thick with emotion. “You might want to sit down.”
Lizzy sat back down on the edge of the swing. She swallowed hard and searched his troubled face for a clue to his news.
“I was called to the school this morning to settle a dispute between Steven and another boy. Not fifteen minutes later, I got a call about an auto accident.” Chief Daniels wiped his brow with a crumpled hanky that he pulled from his pocket. “A trucker lost control of his rig. There was no way your mother could have avoided it. Her car was crushed under the truck’s trailer when it overturned.” He lowered his gaze and shook his head. “If it’s any consolation, Lizzy, neither of them suffered.”
Her entire body vibrated, and she slumped back in the seat. His words hit her like she’d been punched in the stomach.
“Can I call someone for you?”
An overwhelming urge to flee took hold of her, and her mind scrambled to find a way for her to escape the confines of the porch. She shook her head. “I’ll be fine,” she whispered.
“I can’t leave you alone. I better stay with you for a spell.”
“No,” she stammered, trying desperately to keep it together. “I’ll call my aunt Sophie. I just need some time alone.”
“Of course.” Chief Daniels nodded and returned his hand to her shoulder.