Praise for Anxiety Rescue:
“Anxiety Rescue is just what the doctor ordered for all those who suffer from the devastating effects of constant fear and anxiety. Written by a compassionate scientist who has overcome the problem herself, Anxiety Rescue offers instantly accessible solutions that really work!”
– CHRISTIANE NORTHRUP, M.D.
Author of Mother-Daughter Wisdom (Bantam, 2005)
The Wisdom of Menopause (Bantam, revised 2006)
Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom (Bantam, revised 2006)
“This book brings fresh hope and help for those suffering from anxiety and panic. The holistic and light approach makes you feel as if your best friend, who overcame her own struggles, is helping you do the same. If you are struggling with anxiety, I recommend that you read this book.”
– SUSAN JEFFERS, Ph.D.
Author of Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway
“Not many people are talented enough to find their way out of the deep woods of anxiety as thoroughly and directly as Kathryn Tristan has done. In this book, she has kindly provided a roadmap of her journey for others to follow. Through her own experience, she has personally discovered core principles of psychological functioning of the human mind and developed practical ways to control and direct them. Her success in overcoming anxiety demonstrates the power of the mental tools she has discovered.”
– CAROL S. NORTH, M.D.
Professor of Psychiatry, University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center,
Nancy and Ray L. Hunt Chair in Crisis Psychiatry,
Director of Program in Trauma and Disaster, Dallas VAMC
“In this helpful book, Kathryn Tristan shares stories and lessons from her quest to overcome disabling anxiety. Ms. Tristan describes the way she successfully learned to challenge fearful thinking and translate what she learned into practical strategies that others can use. Her writing style is engaging and easy to grasp. Anxiety Rescue should provide help and hope to many people encumbered by the burdens of an anxiety disorder.”
– C. ALEC POLLARD, Ph.D.
Director of the Anxiety Disorders Center at Saint Louis Behavioral Medicine Institute, Professor of Community and Family Medicine at Saint Louis University,
Co-author of The Agoraphobia Workbook and Dying of Embarrassment: Help for Social Anxiety and Phobia
“The experiences of my own life have taught me to never give up, to remain positive, and most importantly, to believe in yourself and your ability to overcome obstacles. This book not only inspires you to move beyond your fears, it provides simple and concrete ways to do it.”
– CATHY TURNER
Two-Time Olympic Gold Medalist
“Loaded with powerful and concise writing, the ‘four concepts’ are a creative and holistic method of helping the reader to take control of her/his mind, and to make choices for mental well-being. I highly recommend Anxiety Rescue for anyone who is dealing with this debilitative disorder.”
– DAVID MYERS, Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology
Author of Heartfelt Parenting
“The Stop, Look, and Listen technique really worked for me during my recent surgery. Using the skills I have practiced and learned from Anxiety Rescue allowed the Higher me, the spiritual me to win. I feel I can take on the world now. I may stumble again, but I will not fall.”
– MARGIE C.
Imperial, MO
“In a world where anxiety/panic attacks are the most common emotional disorder, Anxiety Rescue is a timely tool that addresses this situation with a good deal of common sense. I have found that many of the techniques that Kathryn has suggested worked for me, and helped me through difficult times with my own disorder. I highly recommend this book for yourself or anyone you know who has to go through this devastating experience.”
– CAROL C.
New York, NY
“Kathryn Tristan has done a great job in encouraging and inspiring us to remember that ‘failure’ doesn’t mean it’s all over, but that a person can always regroup, go on, and succeed.”
– PAM C.
Creve Coeur, MO
*****
Anxiety Rescue:
Simple Strategies to Stop Fear from
Ruling Your Life
By Kathryn Tristan
SMASHWORDS EDITION
PUBLISHED BY:
Dancing Eagle Press, on Smashwords
P.O. Box 3945
Chesterfield, MO 63006
http://www. anxietyrescuebook.com
http://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/anxietyrescue
Smashwords Edition License Notes
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the author's work.
Note to readers:
The ideas, methods, and suggestions contained in this book are not intended to substitute for consulting with your physician or health care provider. All matters regarding your health require medical supervision. The intent of the author is only to offer information and suggestions of a general nature to help the reader’s quest for well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, the author and publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.
Copyright © 2007 by Kathryn Tristan
E-book edition 2010
Library of Congress Catalog Number: 2006908759
978-0-9790013-1-4 (ebk)
Acknowledgments
I have been blessed to have this book reviewed and endorsed by some powerful figures in the world of healing and recovery. I appreciate their time, efforts, and encouragement.
Christiane Northrup, M.D., is internationally known for her empowering approach to women’s health and wellness. A noted author, media personality, and visionary, she is a leading proponent of medicine and healing that acknowledges the unity of the mind and body. See her web site (http://www.drnorthrup.com) and wonderful best-selling books (e.g., Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom).
Susan Jeffers, Ph.D., has been my personal hero for many years. Her book, Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway, and others were of great help to me during my recovery. I encourage you to get her books and newsletters, and bookmark her web site (http://www.susanjeffers.com).
Carol North, M.D., is a shining star and national expert in the field of disaster mental health. Dr. North was called to New York City to provide her expertise in the days following the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, and to Louisiana in the days following Hurricane Katrina. Dr. North is also a woman who has overcome, and lived to tell about, her own psychiatric illness. To me, she epitomizes the ability to use our experiences to inspire others and instill hope.
C. Alec Pollard, Ph.D., is an innovative force, nationally recognized in the field of behavioral medicine. He is an author or co-author of more than 80 publications relating to anxiety disorders and other mental health topics. Despite his grueling schedule, he took the time to offer not only an endorsement, but also suggestions to improve the book.
Cathy Turner’s life is an amazing story. She overcame suicidal depression and battled for a place on the US Olympic team. She is one of only two people ever to win Gold Medals in consecutive Winter Olympic Games and ranks third for the most medals ever won by a Winter Olympian.
On the practical side, I would like to thank Margaret Myers for many hours carefully spent reviewing the manuscript and for being an insightful human being and my mother. Shortly after her meticulous and final review of this book, she suffered a stroke. She has remained an inspiration throughout her recovery and a wonderful example of the healing power of humor and perseverance.
This book also wouldn’t have been possible without the love, help, and eternal encouragement of my wonderful sisters, Margie Collins, Debbie Schnuriger, and Linda Lowe. They added much depth to the book by sharing personal insights. My children Jason and Julie and their families are a source of happy inspiration and great pride. Pam Cornwell is not only my treasured friend, but also the person who helped me find the courage to tackle my fears step by step. I appreciate help from Andree Wallgren, Mike Dawdy, Howard Johnson, and Janet Muhm. I also thank Sandy Freeman, who has offered life-long support and amaretto sours, and John P. Atkinson, M.D., with whom I’ve worked for more than 20 wonderful years.
To get the book into print, Linda Nash, an international speaker, author of five books, and incredibly patient book coach, showed me how to translate my passion into a practical work and get it published. I appreciate Sue Sylvia’s dedication and talents for layout and cover design (Staircase Press Design). Also, my thanks for helping to polish the book go to Shera Dalin. Finally, I'm grateful to Christine Frank who helped with editing, indexing, and bringing the book into the modern 'e-world.'
CONTENTS
*****
The Expandomatic Nature of Fear
Tapping into Your CORE Power
*****
What Happened and Why?
*****
Living in Zapland
Anxiety is an SOS
The Trigger Finger of Fear
Yellow Beetle Syndrome
Stressed In—Not Stressed Out
The WorryWart Quiz™: Do You Have Anxiety?
*****
CORE Concept 1: I Always Have Choices
4 Waking Up to Your Hidden Powers
Disconnecting Fear from Inside Out:
EARL Versus PEARL
Getting Unstuck and into Flow
Your Hidden Powers: Awareness and Choice
What You Think about Expands
Practice Solving, Not Stewing
New Strategies: What Was I Thinking?
*****
CORE Concept 2: I Choose to Change My Outlook
5 How You Think about Anything Determines How You Experience Everything
How to Talk to Yourself: Creating Manifestos
It Doesn’t Have to Be Perfect
New Strategies: Clear Your Clutter
6 Outlook Makeover – Terribilizing vs. Possibilizing
The Habit of Terribilizing
Emotional Hangovers: Sensitized to Fear
The Echo Chamber
Anxiety Antidote: Possibilizing
New Strategies: Power Up and Worry Down
7 Outlook Makeover – Perfect Versus Just Right
The Story of the Perfect Apple
Riding out the Bumps
Saying OKAY instead of NO WAY
New Strategies: Releasing from Purr-fection
8 Outlook Makeover – Dump Your BAG of Blame-Anger-Guilt
Quit Blaming and Deal with It
Quelling Anger by Cultivating Clarity
I’m Sorry Messages
“No” Is Not a Four-letter Word
Guilt Weakens; Forgiving Empowers
New Strategies: Creating Inner Power
*****
CORE Concept 3: Risking Helps Me Recover
9 Three R’s for Anxiety Recovery: Responsibility, Relaxing, Risking
You Are Your Own Safety
Sure-Fire Fear Busters
Fear Buster: Belly Breathing
Fear Buster: Focus on Now
Fear Buster: Get Floppy
Fear Buster: Anxiety-Breaking Nutrition
Fear Buster: Embrace the Unknown
Three Simple Steps to Stop an Anxiety Attack
New Strategies: If It’s Gonna Be, It’s Up to Me
*****
CORE Concept 4: I Embrace My Spirit – I am an Explorer
Coincidences = Cooperating Incidents
Transcending Fear, Transforming Your Life
Fork in the Road
New Strategies: What’s The Message?
11 Changing Your Life: Co-Creating Your Future
New Strategies: The Five List
*****
Epilogue: Fly into Freedom
12 Breakthroughs: How I Beat Anxiety
*****
A: Quick Help for Anxiety Attacks
B: Bouncing Back
C: What if I Need More Help?
About The Author
Book Ordering Information
*****
WHY I WROTE THIS BOOK
Why are so many of us afraid and, more important, what can we do about it? Nearly 44 million Americans (1 in 6 adults) suffer from excessive fear. Work, home, relationships, finances, health … each aspect of our life is like a ball in a juggling act. Keeping them all in the air while balancing emails, voice mails, and unending responsibilities creates mounting stress that can erupt into a full-blown anxiety attack.
Anxiety Rescue is different from most books on the market because it is written by someone who overcame this problem. This is a “from the trenches” approach in the battle against anxiety. I was on the front lines of fear for most of my life. Although I am a scientist on the faculty of one of the top five medical schools in the country and a writer with more than 120 articles in leading health publications (penned under “Liszewski”), my analytical brain did not help me overcome this disability. Like most people, my first instinct was to look for external solutions to overcome anxiety. That approach only worked as a temporary fix. I discovered that when you want real and lasting changes, you have to redirect your energy to look deep within yourself. That’s when things really start to accelerate.
So, I wrote this book to share four simple secrets that will help you become peaceful and happy on the inside once again. These self-help methods blend remarkably easy concepts of mind, body, and spirit. I show you down-to-earth strategies to help you help yourself. You’ll learn to recognize how your cluttered, clamoring, chattering inner voice quite unknowingly churns out anxiety by seeding internal dialogues filled with trash talk and negative thinking.
Then, this ultimate how-to manual teaches step by step, working from the inside out, how to rewire circuits blown by fear.
If you feel minimized by fear, at your wit’s end, or hopeless, let me assure you that you can pull yourself up by the bootstraps and regain control of your life just as I did. I wrote this book for you. I suffered as you now suffer. I ached and cried and felt hopeless. At my worst, I only wanted to be able to go to the grocery store and not feel like running back home because of fear. Now I have flown all over the world and have committed to using my writing and mentoring skills to put on paper those successful strategies.
I cannot guarantee that my ideas will work for you. They worked wonderfully for me and for others who have given them a try. But I do not wish to give the impression that my way is the preferred route for all who deal with anxiety disorders. You also may decide to work in conjunction with a therapist who has expertise in treating anxiety. Such a person can provide the framework to help and support your own individual situation. For example, a list of such specialists is available from the Anxiety Disorders Association of America. See the “What If I Need More Help” section of the Appendix.
Additionally, there are a number of new medications that can be highly effective for helping to resolve anxiety disorders. Getting relief first with medications allows some individuals to restore a more even biochemical balance that fosters the inner work I describe. Although there is no magic potion, no “one size fits all” approach that will make the pain of anxiety disappear immediately and for everyone, you owe it to yourself to seek the best help for your own situation.
BOOK STRUCTURE
The insightful and unique concepts in this book quickly cut through hype and show how mastering four basic principles, called CORE Concepts, helps you build an internal powerhouse for recovery. Most chapters provide a relevant and inspiring quote and then quickly launch into practical insights and simple strategies to overcome fear and anxiety. I provide lots of anecdotes and true stories. Personally, I don’t remember bulleted lists of things, but I do remember examples and images. I think you will love the down-to-earth and friendly tone of this book as well as its practical layout.
Because anxiety can rattle our brains, I have included summaries of important points at the end of each chapter. Following this, you will find another exciting and novel aspect of this book, the “New Strategies” section. Overcoming anxiety involves taking baby steps into change.
This section helps you find practical ways of translating the ideas of the chapter to empower your journey from fear to freedom.
Anxiety Rescue ends with the story of my own recovery from anxiety. I explain how each of the CORE Concepts helped to lift me out of the pit of fear. My remarkable story can also be yours. I won the battle against anxiety and so can you. Try these simple strategies, commit to changing from inside out, and practice taking baby steps to expand your comfort zone.
Check out my web site for updates and new alternative healing methods: www.anxietyrescuebook.com
There is a Zen saying that when the student is ready, the teacher appears. I hope that you have come across this book because, indeed, you are a student of life who has been guided to find these powerful healing words. I also hope you are ready to open yourself to a journey not only out of fear, but also directly into a life of love, fulfillment, and great peace.
From My Spirit to Yours,
Kathryn Tristan
*****
Chapter 1: How This Book Can Help You
“Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery.
And today? Today is a gift.
That’s why we call it the present.”
– Babtunde Olatunji
If you are spending more time getting through your life than enjoying it, this book will help you overcome the fears holding you back. If you are finding that the “I can’ts” are beginning to outnumber the “I can’s,” this book will help you change.
You may have been struggling with fear for a short period or many years. That doesn’t matter because your history is your past tense and your present is your power. What’s your present like? Is one of these stories yours?
Amy, an elementary school teacher, awakens for no apparent reason in the middle of the night with a pounding heart and shortness of breath. Amy dreads going to bed, and she’s becoming depressed. The doctor found nothing physically wrong with her and prescribed an antidepressant.
Tom is under a great deal of stress to meet a deadline at work. One afternoon he began to feel anxious. As he noticed the uncomfortable feelings, they intensified. He brushed that episode aside, but he now finds those same disturbing sensations coming back out of the blue.
Chris worries constantly about the safety of her son who is deployed in the military overseas. She feels on edge and unsettled most of the time.
Mary is a 44-year-old mother of four who is renovating her home and working part time at the hardware store. She drives to work on the back roads and refuses to travel on highways for fear that if she becomes extremely anxious she might crash.
Harry is a furloughed flight attendant who has flown all over the world, yet now trembles when he has to travel more than 20 minutes from home. This is straining his marriage, and his wife thinks he should just “get over it.” Harry has begun to drink a lot because it makes him feel less fearful.
Donna, a successful corporate vice president, avoids shopping malls or crowded places. Sometimes she feels dizzy and terrified in those settings. More and more situations are bothering her. She’s beginning to depend on tranquilizers to get her through them.
Pat hates to be alone. She doesn’t like to go anywhere by herself and only feels comfortable when a family member or friend accompanies her.
What do these people have in common? All are highly creative, successful, and smart. Each has a different story, but each has a shared trait: anxiety. Many sufferers cope by using distraction, avoidance, medication, or alcohol. But that is only temporary relief from trouble. It’s like putting an invisible bandage over a cut that doesn’t heal.
THE EXPANDOMATIC NATURE OF FEAR
Those of us battling anxiety may find that fear keeps coming back or, like a chameleon, changes its “color.” Now, something else becomes frightful, too. The world becomes a smaller place, one of fear and increasing restrictions.
So, what’s the problem? After all, lots of people have fears. The difference is how it impacts your life. For example, some people have a fear of spiders, but that doesn’t stop them from going camping. They enjoy camping and will put up with the possibility of seeing a spider. Only when fear becomes life altering does it take on the elevated status of problem.
Now, fear becomes restricting and spreads. My sister, Debbie, describes this as an irrational expandomatic reaction in which your negative emotions cascade into other areas of life. The trickle-down effect happens because once you agree with fear, that is, acknowledge something is dangerous and should be avoided, the logical outcome is that you become more vigilant to other possible dangers. Agreeing with your fear gives it power and prompts you to “watch out” for anything that could be similar. Agreeing with fear expands it.
TAPPING INTO YOUR “CORE” POWER
If you are new to this problem or feel at your wits’ end, I have good news for you. Yes, you can overcome your anxiety! The goal of this book is to help you empower yourself to do just that. How? You will learn to take responsibility for your own healing and how to tap inner sources of lasting power.
Your recovery from fear progresses from the inside to the outside. You will move beyond fear and into freedom by reconnecting to your inner core of safety and power using a simple four-step process. Instead of agreeing with fear you learn four key concepts that challenge those “I can’ts.” I call these “CORE Concepts” because they draw on your inner resources, pull them back to the surface, and help you restore balance in your life. Each concept provides practical ways to change. There’s no mumbo-jumbo here. You quickly begin drawing a roadmap for your own recovery. Each step forward is a step away from your fears. Each tiny change amplifies the next. This time, by your own design, you take back your life and create one of purpose, power, and enjoyment.
Each CORE Concept builds on the previous one. You see, at the very core of anxiety lies the troubling perception that you are powerless and not in control. My friend, you are the only one who does have the power, believe that or not! Power comes from the choices you make. If you don’t recognize your power of choice, you may feel swept along in the quick currents of life. That’s because many of your unconscious choices keep you floating in anxiety. This book will help you choose more wisely.
Anxiety Rescue is the culmination of more than 50 years of research. This is not the kind done with beakers or mice in a laboratory, but the kind done by living. I was a living research lab for anxiety. I spent many years dodging, denying, or drained by anxiety and panic. I’m not complaining, though, because fear has been my best teacher. I suffered from anxiety at different levels for most of my life.
I finally learned that to overcome fear, I needed to discover what it was teaching me and why it was happening to me at all. More importantly, because I felt powerless during anxiety, I had to learn what true power meant and from where it comes. I have passed “Fear 101” and so can you.
To my surprise, overcoming anxiety/panic was not a complicated, grueling course, but it did require patience and perseverance. By learning to use the four CORE Concepts in everyday situations, you will, in a natural way, step out of your fears and into mastery of how you think, react, and deal with life. How fast you progress depends on how committed you are to changing nonproductive ways of thinking and how committed you are to your own recovery. That’s a big choice and it is your first choice. But since you are reading this book, you likely are ready to begin.
Healing permanently from anxiety takes time. You didn’t get this way overnight did you? By rebuilding a more solid foundation, you can quickly begin to feel better and more in charge of your life again. It takes time to heal from any injury, including anxiety. But it’s worth your time and effort.
However, unlike a cut that your body automatically heals, you are the healer in recovery from anxiety. You are the driver, not the passenger in the journey out of fear. You can read all the books on the subject, attend lectures, roam from therapist to therapist, and take a variety of medications. But to recover permanently, you must rescue yourself and take charge of your own healing.
The four CORE Concepts will help you change how you view your life and difficulties. More importantly, they provide a template for healing yourself. You will learn how to empower yourself and stop fear from ruling your life. Each concept builds on the previous one and you progress at your own pace. Here’s a quick summary.
C in CORE stands for Choice. Healing from anxiety begins by recognizing that your life is built on your choices. This initial concept reveals a secret: choice provides power. That is, how you react to any situation, event, or experience is something you choose. This book shows you how to begin making power-building, rather than fear-seeding, choices.
O stands for Outlook. The second concept reveals a second secret: How you think about anything determines how you experience everything! Understanding your power to choose, you surge past seemingly insurmountable problems. You create safety and power. Ultimately, you launch into your own recovery by taking charge of two natural, inner forces that either hurt or heal. This book will show you how.
R stands for learning to take Risks. Those of us with anxiety don’t embrace the idea of doing anything risky, anything that might heighten an already overactive sense of danger. But the third concept provides a powerful punch against fear. Embracing your ability to make better choices and connect with inner sources of strength re-energizes your own self-confidence and allows you to take baby steps away from fear. This is a building process. Taking small steps gradually empowers you. As confidence builds, you begin to free yourself from the prison of anxiety. This book teaches how to tone down the voice that says, “Don’t” and amplify the one that says, “Do!” You re-energize feelings of happiness and realize recovery was not at all as difficult as you feared.
E stands for two things: becoming an Explorer and Embracing your inner spirit, the highest part of yourself that loves life, gives you direction through your emotions, and perceives meaning beyond the five senses. The final CORE Concept shows you how to continue pushing back the barriers that have hindered you. Embracing your inner spirit and your intuitive side allows you to surge beyond limitations and head into “remarkable.” Embracing your spirit releases a buried treasure: It rejuvenates a child-like sense of wonder, imagination, and adventure. This treasure is expansive and fun. When you feel free and safe enough to explore instead of recoil, you do things you never thought you could. You open the door to becoming the person you always wanted to be by turning your pain into an opportunity for growth and healing. And, as any good explorer does, you give back that knowledge to help others.
I cried many times and wondered if I would ever overcome my fears. I tried many things that helped, but none healed me permanently. At my worst, I only wanted to be able to go to the grocery store and feel safe, not in danger. Fear prevented me from doing things that others did so easily, like going away for a “Mom and Me” weekend with my daughter and her Girl Scout troop. I didn’t know then that soon I would fly with both of my children to the beautiful Caribbean, and take a speedboat ride to the exotic Exuma Islands. I didn’t realize then that I would travel to Greece, speak before an international audience, and do so comfortably. My life still amazes me, and I am thankful every day that I learned how to go from crying to flying and from fear to freedom. I found that the tools to break free of fear were buried inside of me. Working from the inside out and blending concepts and practices of mind, body, and spirit, gave me the keys to unlock the prison door. I learned how to rescue myself and so can you.
While I don’t have all the answers, I do have some. The ideas that I will be describing are from my own personal experience. Take what works for you, develop your own modifications, and continue to seek the best help available.
If you want to change, you can. If you want to heal, you will. Are you ready? You’ve suffered long enough. There is a better way, and you know what? You’ll love it! Taking back the reins to control your own life feels great. So, it’s time to outfit yourself with a new pair of boots because these boots are made for walking forward, not running away.
*****
What Happened and Why?
*****
Chapter 2: Fear is Not the Problem
“If you’re not part of the solution, you are the problem!” -Kathryn Tristan
Here’s a News Flash … beep, beep, beep …
We’ve just received this bulletin from the newsroom …
“Fear is NOT the problem!”
If you suffer from persistent anxiety, this is only the outer surface of your problems. It is an internal meltdown that causes damage.
Stop the presses … Here’s another news flash, just in:
Fear is the result!
If you believe your fears and anxiety are holding you back from living the way you want, then the question is: What caused them to erupt in the first place? You didn’t always feel this way, did you? Your fears likely exploded during or after a time of great stress. Thus, fear itself is only the symptom.
Anxiety and panic are distress signals sparked by continuing stresses and unresolved conflicts that ignite an implosion within your core. You may be trying your best to cope, but the core problem that produces these emotions is mishandling stress and disconnection from your inner spirit. So, instead of living a full, joyous life, you become stuck in a life crippled by fear.
Your mission (and you better decide to take this one) is to figure out the hidden message of fear and to learn how to more effectively deal with it. Until you do that, fear continues. As fear persists, it erodes your sense of safety and creates the illusion that fear itself is the problem.
LIVING IN ZAPLAND
I always thought that fear was the problem. After all, that’s what was affecting my life so much. It felt as if I were living in a place I called “Zapland.” That is, once zapped by my fears, I began to focus on them since they seemed so powerful. Zapland was not a fun place to be. Everything seemed bigger than me. I felt small and afraid much of the time. Anxiety pounced on me like a big mean bear. This unseen animal was lurking in hidden places and ready to strike without notice.
I didn’t know how I ended up in Zapland. One day I seemed fine, but then something happened. I had been smoking, drinking coffee, and studying day and night for college finals. I had particularly difficult classes in chemistry, statistics, and biology that I had taken all in the same semester. Working long hours at my hospital job to make enough money to put myself through college added to the stress. Late in the afternoon, I suddenly began to feel weird. As I focused on the feeling, the fear increased. But I didn’t know why. There was nothing around me that was threatening, nothing I could really put my finger on to say, “Ah ha, you’re the cause!” I only knew something seemed frightful and dangerous. It felt like a growling black bear was stalking me, ready to attack.
This was back in the late sixties and I had never heard of a panic attack. Eventually, my episodes lessened and I was able to bury those troubling emotions. Time helped it go away. But it took several months of confusion and occasional gripping fear, which I mostly attempted to avoid. Because I thought the high anxiety was my problem, it didn’t occur to me to change my daily stress-producing routine.
I spent the next 30 years dealing with anxiety and panic. Some years it snoozed, as if the bear were hibernating. In those times, I was more settled and fear hadn’t taken over my life. But when things warmed up from mounting stresses, the bear would awaken and bring on the full fury of a hungry, angry animal. Eventually, my fears got the better of me.
I tried to find the magic bullet to shoot the bear and make it go away. Instead, I found my world shrinking. I sought the security of my home and assumed that I would finally find a safe haven there. In truth, I felt as much anxiety at home as I did anywhere else. I read every book I could on the subject, did research on the biological causes, and went to several therapists. Still, I could never chase away my hairy demon. I was going nowhere with a bear on my tail.
Gradually, I learned that:
Fear is not the problem; fear is the result.
ANXIETY IS AN “SOS”
My anxieties mushroomed from a detonation deep inside my core. They came from how I was living, thinking, and reacting to my daily stresses. My Stressed Out Signals were from an invisible emotional bomb that exploded when I cut the ties to an inner source of strength and peace known as my spirit. When that link dissolved, I began a downward spiral of separation from myself and my life’s purpose. My anxiety was the SOS my spirit was sending me to protect itself from being smothered by the unproductive choices I was making. It was as if a red flag were thrown by an invisible referee who shouted:
“Spirit, Off-Side! Penalty: 10 yards of anxiety and a big explosion to shake you out of your complacency!”
A lesser jolt wouldn’t have perturbed me enough to make me change anything. Anxiety shook me thoroughly and made me pay attention. My enlightenment came gradually, though. I tried lots of ways to cure myself of anxiety and fear. Although each helped, healing only occurred when I charted the course back to my inner spirit. No therapy or medication could do that for me.
Here’s what I tried before I learned how to heal from the inside out.
Let time pass. This was my first strategy. Since I didn’t know what was happening to me, I just tried to ignore it. Life has a way of healing itself. Sometimes when pressure dies down and larger stress passes, so will the anxiety. The problem is, you have only temporarily hosed down the flames. If you add more stress, they can flare again and spread. Letting time pass did not work well at all.
Medicate. Pharmaceutical firms have developed a number of helpful medications for anxiety. They should because there are big bucks in this business. More than 44 million Americans suffer from life-altering fears. (The actual number may be even higher since many never seek professional treatment). Medication can be helpful as long as you aren’t afraid to take it. I mostly stayed away from medication because taking it caused me further anxiety. Side effects can be worrisome, and I was frightened of the idea of putting a chemical in my system. But, taking medicine can help restore body chemistry to a calmer state. I did find milder alternatives that helped. I know others who have been helped enormously by pharmaceuticals. But medication did not solve the problems causing my anxiety. It was more like a bandage. This approach helped only as long as the medicine was in my system. It didn’t train me to think differently or teach me how to handle the stresses seeding my anxiety.
Cogitate. Cognitive therapy is a wonderful advance begun a number of years ago. It helps you think differently. I learned that I could restructure my perceptions, label my discomfort level, and reason through fear—sometimes. However, I could not always convince my mind to be reasonable. It was hurting and angry. Also, what seeded these feelings could not be easily put into a reasonable compartment. This method helped me understand how my head could get in the way, but cognitive therapy alone did not work for me.
Behavioral therapy. This type of therapy, often done in conjunction with cognitive techniques, helps you change your behavior as well as your thinking. I made up lists of frightening, anxiety-producing situations numbering them from low to high. I tried exposing myself to these in small steps as a means to desensitize myself to frightening situations. In that way I could overcome my fears and build confidence. Such behavioral modification may work well for specific fears, such as with snakes or heights.
This helped me understand the power of taking steps, little by little, into frightening situations and challenging my thinking. But this takes time, patience, and enough money to pay for a therapist. Additionally, I found that as further stress occurred, I seemed to relapse into my old ways of thinking and reacting. I also developed a new set of fears, adding more to the list to be overcome. While these ideas helped me the most, they did not provide a lasting recovery for me.
Religion. I was raised as a Catholic during an era when eating meat on Fridays was considered a mortal sin (the type that sends you to hell). Thank God (and I mean that), those rules changed in favor of developing a kinder, gentler type of spirituality. My earlier connection to organized religion helped me to realize there was something outside myself that supported my life. When I began reconnecting with my spirit on my own terms, despite not fully understanding how that worked, I found an inner strength and source of love that helped me deal not only with fear, but also with my life.
Metaphysics. It sounds so scientific … metaphysics. It seems like one would need to memorize some laws or formulas such as: fear = mass times the speed of thought! On the other hand, metaphysics also conjures up images of the weird and “way out there.”
As I explored so-called new age thinking, I discovered both the wonderful and the wacky. I shelved the wacky as an experiment in progress. I kept and explored the other part that encouraged me to think differently about my life and problems. I had to decide for myself what seemed true for me. That was not a deficit; it was a necessary challenge. Finding my own path provided a chance for insightful self-discovery and remarkable self-growth. When I tunneled through the hype of metaphysics, I found a template for healing and a way to merge my other experiences to overcome my fears.
Thus, I have benefited from each of these routes and have drawn upon their wisdom to synthesize a new holistic mixture for healing. This book can help you rescue yourself from anxiety and fear. The four CORE Concepts help you begin to immediately formulate new ways of thinking, reacting, and dealing with your life and stresses. They will help you rewire the circuits blown by fear. They show how those inner circuits blew in the first place. They provide quick, simple, and straightforward ways to help you reconnect with your own power base. This source of strength will always sustain you.
In this book, I provide lots of examples from my own life and the lessons I have learned. There also are stories and examples from others who have struggled and won the battle.
One of the most important messages of this book is that you can empower a lasting recovery by unearthing and taking charge of two incredible powers you now possess: awareness and choice. This dynamic duo energizes recovery from the inside out. By taking responsibility for your own recovery, you begin directing your life instead of following your fears. This book also shows you how to overcome automatic terribilizing and worrywart mentality. You create “Outlook Makeovers” for focusing on and viewing your life differently. You learn calming techniques. You take the hand of your scared, inner child and begin expanding your comfort zone. Reconnected to your life and spirit, you learn to soar past your fears and fly into freedom, empowerment and adventure.
That may seem like a tall order if you now feel minimized, uncertain, and mostly afraid. But let me assure you I stayed in “small” for a long time. I cringed at having to drive to the grocery store a few minutes away, struggled to get through the day at work, and refused to go farther than 40 minutes from home for more than 20 years. But as I built upon my successes, forgave myself for relapses, and continued to build on these healing insights, I succeeded in rescuing myself. And so can you!
Ultimately, I traveled to Greece, spoke before an audience of hundreds of scientists, and swam carefree in the steely blue Mediterranean Sea. But even better than the ability to fly to exotic locales has been my ability to soar within. I found the connection to my inner core, my spirit, the most rewarding and fulfilling. There is the wellspring of peace and profound happiness. That is the place for permanent healing.
*****
Chapter 3: Are You a Worrier?
“I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.”
– Mark Twain
If fear is not the problem, but rather the result or symptom, the next question is “what happened and why did it happen?” In this chapter, I will show how worrying creates an automatic stress-producing mindset that can explode into anxiety. Then, you’ll learn how to begin changing the worrywart habit.
Those of us who suffer from anxiety are great thinkers. We love to analyze, dramatize, and dissect our lives. We also have perfected a little character trait called worry that keeps us hyper-alert to needing to think and analyze. If you have anxiety, you are likely to be a professional worrier. No amateurs here, please! We know worry inside and out. Worry is a part of our make-up and what seems normal. Worry is also a big part of our problem. It is a dual-edged sword that can protect as much as harm.
The word “worry” is ancient and found in many languages: Anglo Saxon, wyrgan, to strangle, injure; Middle English, wirwen, worien; German, wurgen; Indo-European, wergh, which meant worm-like. So, our ancestors knew about worry. It also suggests that once it “worms” its way into your life, it can become a harmful habit.
I can “second that emotion.” One day as I was waiting in line at a pharmacy, I noticed a little cross-stitched plaque on the counter that said:
“I’m so used to being nervous that when I’m not nervous—it makes me nervous!”
Unfortunately, constant worrying fuels anxiety and creates an unsettled mindset. If you anticipate that something bad is going to happen, who wouldn’t feel nervous? Unfortunately, over time your body locks into a biochemical mode that responds to your unconscious directions. In time, worry and nervousness become personality traits and your natural “idle” mode. That makes it difficult to know what bothers you because everything does!
Of course we all worry sometimes. When it genuinely helps to solve problems or alerts us to real danger, worry can be productive. But when it loops within your mind and causes further stress, it amplifies and does not solve your problems.
THE TRIGGER FINGER OF FEAR
When you constantly worry, you are living life on the edge and can easily over-react because of the constant negative chatter of your mind. Your triggers are many, and your finger is ready to pull.
Your thoughts are all over the place and saying things such as:
I’m unhappy
This isn’t right
I’m really mad
I should be … no, I shouldn’t or should I?
I can’t do anything about this
Things will never be any better
What if …
What if …
What if …
For me, worry took the form of frequently feeling on edge without knowing why. At other times, I could pinpoint feeling nervous but didn’t know what to do about it. I didn’t recognize that I was worrying constantly. Ignoring my unsettled feelings got to be a habit (another talent of worriers: the “Vulcan-like” ability to suppress feelings).
Are you a worrywart? Can you recognize how often worry percolates into your personality? Can you distinguish types of nervousness? For several years, I coached my daughter’s elementary school basketball team. This was like the blind leading the blind. I was a good basketball player in my youth, but I hadn’t a clue as to how to coach a team. I spent my lunches huddled over library books on coaching girls’ basketball (most of which were old—apparently not a hot topic). Before the games, I often felt anxious. I could pinpoint the feeling of being nervous to a specific event. I really wasn’t all that upset by that feeling. But many other times, I just didn’t feel right and could not pinpoint a cause.
Worry worms its way into our lives automatically. You may have been unconsciously “practicing” this trait for years. Can you trace it back to when you were younger? I can. In my junior year in high school I had changed schools. We couldn’t afford the private high school I had attended the first two years, so I transferred to a public school. There were a lot of changes. We didn’t wear uniforms, so I needed a wardrobe. That meant needing to decide what to wear each day and, of course, it had to be “cool” (most certainly, not plaid skirts, white blouses, and plain shoes). The school, the classmates, and the teachers all were new. Initially, I felt like an outsider who didn’t fit into a niche. Many of my fellow students had already established their groups. Which one did I fit into? None really, but several slightly. Worry starting worming its way into my daily thinking habits.
At about the same time, my family took a trip to a state park and took a tour of a large well-known cave. As we got into the middle of the cave, the guide abruptly turned off the lights to show us how truly dark it was. I had never liked the darkness as a child and the plunge into total darkness unnerved me. A lightning bolt of fear hit. I didn’t say anything or react outside, but held out my hand and found my mother’s to hold briefly until the guide turned the lights back on. For the remainder of the cave hike, I worried that the lights would go off again.
What I didn’t realize then was that developing anxiety is like heating a pot of water. If you don’t see it beginning to bubble because of continuing stresses and constant worrying, it can boil over when you turn up the heat (more stress). So, the time to intercede is before it makes a mess. The time to make changes is before worrying gets to the point of boiling over into anxiety. You do this by learning to recognize the warning signs of intensifying stress. For professional worriers, that can be a challenge.
THE YELLOW BEETLE SYNDROME
My stress-producing, worrywart lifestyle did not include a manual to help me recognize the warning signs of impending anxiety. Not long after my cave episode, I was walking to my new school when a small car pulled over next to me. My fellow classmate April, whose brother was driving her to school, offered me a ride. I accepted; otherwise it was a 25-minute walk. I climbed into the backseat of the small car that I called a yellow beetle. As we drove to school, I began to feel cramped. I started to worry as I noticed I was having those same uncomfortable feelings I experienced at the cave. I didn’t want to show my discomfort, so I tried to distract myself with our conversation. I couldn’t wait until we got to school so I could get out.
Several days later while walking to school, they again offered a ride. I didn’t want to say no and appear weird. The same thing happened, only this time even before I got in. The ride seemed even longer and more uncomfortable.
Finally the next encounter was just too much to stuff. When they stopped, I uncomfortably apologized and admitted that riding in the backseat bothered me. April offered to get into the back seat so that I could sit in the front. Now I didn’t feel scared, but I felt weird because of needing to be treated differently. This happened several more times and April automatically would get into the backseat. It was no big deal to them, but I was embarrassed. I eventually walked a different route to school so I wouldn’t have to deal with the issue. I learned a new technique for my yellow beetle syndrome—avoidance.
I didn’t understand it then, but I was experiencing anxiety. I worried that something really bad might happen if I felt the fear. I mistakenly labeled it as fear of the backseat of a small car. My body had become sensitized from the cave experience. I didn’t connect the idea that the stress I was under as well as a specific sensitizing event (the cave) had contributed to my discomfort. I felt weird, embarrassed, and that something must be wrong with me. I hid these feelings because I didn’t understand them. I tried to push them away because I didn’t know how to deal with them.
Perhaps something similar has happened to you. If you’ve awakened in the middle of the night and felt frightened for no apparent reason, you may have begun to worry about simply going to sleep. You have labeled sleeping at night as the problem instead of delving beneath that layer and understanding that your stress and worry are creating the explosive mix igniting these frightening feelings. By believing that nighttime is the problem, you don’t see the underlying layer that produced the uncomfortable feelings in the first place.
If your coping method is avoidance and distraction, this is like putting a bandage over a bleeding wound. It doesn’t heal anything. The more you avoid, the more your world begins to shrink and become less enjoyable.
Avoidance works only for the short term. You may be able to avoid sitting in the back seat of a car, but what do you do about sleeping at night? What if you can’t avoid something you need to do? I used to think that if I worried about something perhaps, then, it wouldn’t happen. Unfortunately, worrying doesn’t solve problems. It only makes them worse. Your fears and anxieties pop back in with the next challenge.
The net outcome is that the more you push away your feelings, the more you begin to distrust yourself. Your feelings are an important barometer for your life. They provide information on many levels. When you don’t trust them, how can you feel safe and secure?
Use of avoidance and distraction as coping methods places you squarely on a path to Stress Hill. You begin loading up an invisible backpack with nervous tension.
I did this in college. I pushed myself constantly. My mother kept saying, “You’re going to give yourself a nervous breakdown.” I thought, “Gimme a break.” I knew my mother didn’t know anything, because I was a teenager and the one in college so I, of course, was the one who knew everything.
But it stuck in the back of my head and planted the seed that “you might go crazy” as an additional unconscious stressor. One Sunday afternoon, I pulled a marathon study session for finals. I felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I smoked cigarettes while guzzling sugar-loaded coffee. By late afternoon, I still didn’t feel very confident about my grasp of these difficult subjects. I felt angry and powerless. Around dinnertime, I noticed that my chest felt tight and I suddenly began to feel the pangs of “cave anxiety.”
My only two tools for anxiety at that time, avoidance and distraction, didn’t work. I couldn’t avoid anything; I was home. Distraction was feeble since my body was swimming in focus-enhancing nicotine and caffeine.
Unknowingly, I was now at the top of Stress Hill. I teetered in Stress Overload Zone and now took a rapid slide into Zapland. Perhaps the same has happened to you. Have you felt so stressed and fearful that anxious feelings pop up out of the blue? If so, you, too, have landed in Zapland. Three things grease your slide into Zapland:
STRESS
WORRY
GENES
STRESS IN, NOT STRESSED OUT
If fear and anxiety have taken over your life, there is a little secret you need to know:
You are not stressed out, you are stressed in!
When you are stressed in, the comforting connection to your inner sense of safety becomes mangled and twisted. You unknowingly have fanned the flames of anxiety and ignited a wild fire instead of a flicker.
When you are stressed in, you struggle against the quiet guidance within you and instead become overwhelmed by the drama of your problems. You focus on them rather than their solution.
When you are stressed in, you are attempting to control the world instead of letting it unfold as it needs to do.
What is causing you to become stressed in? Relationships, job, school, health, personal loss, or family problems? Perhaps you know what is stressing you, but feel you don’t have time to deal with it. Perhaps you don’t know how to deal with it.
You are climbing to the top of Stress Hill when you think, rethink, and re-rethink, yet don’t solve your problems. You are taking a path headed directly into more anxiety.
We all differ in how we handle and react to stress. Your tendency to become stressed in may have unconsciously been learned and carried over from childhood. If you had parents who were worriers, you may have learned that worrying is how you handle problems. If your folks were “yellers” when stressed, you may have learned yelling as a reaction to problems. You may also have learned another coping mechanism, overeating. Do you seek out comfort foods when stressed?
Your temperament and genes contribute, too. Even if others in your family were “yellers,” you may be a “simmerer.” Do you keep to yourself when things annoy you? Do you become coldly silent and withdrawn? These buried feelings can erupt with a fury at night. Sometimes, nighttime is “fright time.”
Dissecting out what comes from your environment and what comes from your genes is impossible. Just as you may have gotten beautiful brown eyes from your mother or that thick hair from your Uncle Jake, you can also inherit tendencies toward certain behaviors. You may have genes that more easily and automatically translate your stresses into feelings of anxiety. It tends to run in families. If you probe, you may find other relatives who have this same tendency for anxiety and depression.
Grandma Mary or Cousin Sam may have been odd. Granny never wanted to go on vacation. Sam would not drive cars. Before we understood anxiety, we often labeled it as idiosyncrasy. As science and medicine have progressed, so has our understanding of such problems.
WHAT CAN I DO?
Even if you inherited a predisposition to develop anxiety when stressed or have learned to become a chronic worrier, you are not anchored to either. You still have “veto powers.” That means you can choose to change. By understanding how worry creates fear and by practicing different ways of thinking about your stresses, you can begin taking back control of your life and exiting Zapland.
The most important thing to realize about worry is that you are doing it and it’s not helping, it’s hurting. Chronic worrying puts your life to sleep because you tune out the world as it is in favor of trying to make it as you demand. If you think you will succeed using that strategy, you are looking for giraffes in Iowa!
Do you want to live your life directed by your worries, fears, and need for control? Can you control nighttime, sickness, your partner, your job?
Here’s a News Flash … beep, beep, beep …
We’ve just received another bulletin from the newsroom …
Although you can’t necessarily change life,
you can change how you react to it!
You can stop worry dead in its tracks by using this deceptively simple strategy. That is, once you recognize you are in a worrywart mode, you can consciously make different choices. Here are some examples of how you can choose to thwart the worrywart:
·Ask yourself, “What is the worst that can happen if I can’t solve this problem?”
· Prepare yourself to accept this possibility
· Calmly try to improve the situation that you have already decided to accept
· Postpone your worrying and set aside a time later to officially worry
· Create a worry sheet in which you write down and express what is bothering you
· Exercise or work out
· Spend time quietly relaxing
So, your true power lies within, not without. Your true power lies in your ability to choose. Also, when you can give up the need for absolute control of outcome, you release the tight grip and allow a better, more natural way to emerge. Paradoxically, giving up the need to control outside of yourself empowers a greater command of your life. Cultivating this mindset allows you to connect with internal sources of wisdom and guidance.
You can take a quantum leap into healing your life of worry, fear, and anxiety by making a fundamental shift into a different mindset. When you begin to understand how your thinking and worrying seed your anxiety, you empower yourself to create positive changes. To exit from Zapland, you toss out worry and instead load up on knowledge and understanding. These supplies are light, yet immensely powerful in their ability to help lift you out of the pit of fear.
The next chapters show you how to release the stranglehold of worry and anxiety by taking charge of your life and your thinking. You are on your way out of Zapland!
Summary of Points Made in This Chapter
1.Constant worrying fuels anxiety.
2.Anxiety can make you feel edgy, on guard, crabby, and can interfere with sleeping.
3.Anxiety arises from being stressed in, not stressed out.
4.We differ in how we react to stress. We learn as well as inherit behavioral tendencies that translate stresses more easily into anxiety and depression.
5.Your past or your genes do not anchor you to anxiety. You can take a quantum leap out of fear and into healing when you start making better choices in how you think.
6.Although you can’t necessarily change what happens, you can choose how to react to it!
The WorryWart Quiz™: Do You Have Anxiety?
If you make a mistake does it bother you a lot?
Do you often overreact?