Love Medic
Smashwords Edition
Published by:
Creighton Thompson on Smashwords
Copyright 2010 Creighton Thompson
Could you be a trusted first responder to the broken hearted? Take the Love Medic quiz of ten true case studies and find out. But first, a few words from your Love Medic Chief Resident, Creighton Thompson.
Love is the most powerful of all human emotions. Some may disagree and claim that hate is stronger. Consider this -- hate burns a lot of calories, and its white-hot, glowing ball of anger and vengeance, like a hurricane making landfall, is soon downgraded into a few loud expletives and hollow threats. From there, all hate can muster is the woosiest of all emotions -- “vague resentment.” Though time mellows hate, it strengthens love. Also the common knowledge about a person consumed with hate is they might do something crazy. Well, duh. This predictable mindset braces everybody else for the unexpected…and when you’re ready for the unexpected, it simply becomes expected.
That said, love is not so predictable. When love goes wrong a person can go through a whirlwind of deep emotional peaks and valleys in a matter of minutes. And you never quite know what’s coming. People, who have had their love strained, rejected, or even betrayed, can swing emotionally from the depths of sorrow to boiling over with anger (FACT: Anger is a two sport star.) And what about the broken-hearted’s decent into melancholy? (You should know about melancholy…it presents as blank stares accompanied by disjointed rhetorical questions wrapped in dark sarcasm.) A wry smile that morphs from contentment to maniacal could be a signal that someone needs emotional help…or they’ve just got something in their eye. It’s a good idea to check first.
If a friend were to call you after just being “e-dumped” by her boyfriend or you come upon a stranger parked on a bar stool looking deep into his beer rather than the final minutes of a Cowboys overtime game, would you know what to do? When you’re a first responder to someone’s emotional trauma you’ll need to be a certified Love Medic.
And by being a Love Medic, you’ll be able to counsel yourself, counsel friends, counsel strangers, become an advice columnist, or just beg Oprah for a TV show.
Now here is your chance in the form of ten case studies to become a certified Love Medic. Good luck!
Case Study #1: Dave and Julie have been married for 11 years. Dave is an aerospace engineer and Julie has parked her degree in graphic design to raise their two young children.
Dave comes home from work one afternoon and drops an Oprah Bomb on Julie (FACT: An Oprah Bomb is when someone uses flowery, sugar-coated verbiage to somehow justify their cheating.)
Dave delivers the bomb by telling Julie that he has never really been in love with her and that he’s finally found his true soul mate. What makes Dave’s “news” even worse is the amazing coincidence that he’s found his soul mate right there in his own office.
Love Medic says: You’d think finding the one person on the planet made just for Dave would require a little globe-trotting and a few hundred dates in order to at least narrow the soul mate search to a specific hemisphere. But apparently Dave is blessed with the keenest senses ever bestowed on a human.
There are some things to consider before advising Julie to just pull the divorce rip-chord. Even with child support payments, Julie’s standard of living would assuredly go down. Julie’s once coveted “me time” will be drastically cut as she will have to reenter the workforce soon. On the other hand, Dave’s lifestyle will get much better as his soul mate may also be an engineer.
Overwhelming evidence tells us that when men dump their wives they usually look to correct a few things they didn’t like. (Age, weight, sex appeal, hair color, income, likes to watch football, and maybe has a sweetly placed tattoo. I know I said a few but as long as the barn door’s open…)
Julie, to say the least, is devastated and calls you for support and advice. An untrained counselor may be inclined to start with the phrase, “I never did trust that no-good bastard…” If Julie was thinking about a possible reconciliation you’ve now thrown that option out the window.
Here’s your chance, Love Medic intern. Select the correct answer that would help a poor, broken-hearted Julie.
A. Have Julie boldly announce to Dave, “So, I’m having your brother’s baby!” Then, with the margarita-maker fired up, she maniacally laughs and laughs and laughs. (A fourth laugh is optional).
B. You could recommend marriage counseling for Julie and Dave. Keep in mind, the safe choice may also be the wrong choice as 100% of all men consider marriage counseling akin to just tagging a base on the way around to divorce. Besides, most therapists make less sense then the addled former Idol judge Paula Abdul.
C. Julie should throw an ashtray at the cheating bastard! (She may need to substitute the ashtray projectile for something people actually have in their homes). Julie must be careful as Dave might break left instead of right and take a 40mph ashtray to the forehead.
The correct answer is C. Just aim for the groin.
Love Medic applicants…be sure to keep track of your right answers as you’ll grade yourself at the end of this quiz.
Now it’s on to some of Life and Love’s smaller difficulties. If these signs of the brokenhearted are not dealt with early enough they can lead to bigger problems down the road.
Case Study #2: Rebecca has been in a three year relationship with Michael. Over the last few months things have gotten a little stale. She tells you he’s a great guy and doesn’t really want to break up with him…but she needs to grow.
Love Medic says: Did you catch the clues Rebecca unknowingly dropped? When she said Michael is “great” she really means “safe” and that means Michael has crossed the line from boy-friend to bore-friend. And that ‘Becca doesn’t really want to break up with Michael usually means she can’t friggin’ wait to break up with “one-speed” Michael. She just doesn’t want to laugh in Michael’s face as she cuts the poor slug loose. And anytime a woman uses the phrase “I need to grow,” it always means “I need a guy with a pulse.” (FACT: 84% of chicks are incapable of concealing their true feelings.)
It feels like we should be counseling Michael on this one; however, you don’t always get to pick and choose which cases to take and which not to take. So, what wise counsel will you share with Rebecca?
A. Urge Rebecca to give Michael another chance. Have her be honest with him and tell him that things have been getting a little dull. Most men respond well to gentle criticism.
B. Are you INSANE?! Don’t choose answer “A”. Most men don’t respond well to criticism from a woman and especially gentle criticism from a woman. No guy wants to be lectured like he’s a friggin’ “Nancy-pants.” Suggest Rebecca lie to Michael about taking a job offer out of state or joining the monastery. (Feel free to substitute the old “Monastery” answer with the older “joining the “Foreign Legion” answer.)
C. Have Rebecca, in a clear, firm tone; convey to Michael exactly what her wishes are. “Michael, you are a (insert optional F-bomb here) dullard. I do not wish to see you ever again…and please don’t kill me on your way out.”
The correct answer is B. If Michael is smart he’ll see the broader point Rebecca is making. If he’s dumb, he’ll believe one of the time honored lies. Win, win.
Case Study #3: Jim tells you that he landed in the “doghouse” on account of forgetting his anniversary. Jim complains that he and Stacy aren’t even married. She’s just pissed because he didn’t remember the anniversary of their first date with some flowers and a card. With a bit of frustration he asks, “Do those even count?”
Love Medic says: Remember, with women, everything counts. Before you’re married, chicks keep track of all sorts of things including your first date, first dance, first kiss…etc. It’s only when you marry them that they quietly stand-down and roll the hundreds of dates into one easy to remember anniversary. And sometimes guys even mess that one up. (Just think of your wedding band as a miniature POW bracelet and you will never forget.)
What would you counsel Jim to do?
A. Have Jim try programming all the dates into his smart phone. And when the anniversary of the first time Stacy told him she liked the wallpaper in his bathroom, Jim will be ready with a nice bouquet. Jim won’t avoid the “doghouse” completely but he’ll spend less time there, rolling his eyes.
B. Have Jim tell her he’s sorry about not remembering the anniversary of their first date. Then he should say, “Because every day is special with you.” (Jim should have his blood sugar checked immediately after, just to be safe.
C. Jim could turn the tables on Stacy by asking her if she remembers the first time he changed the oil in her car. If she becomes tongue-tied and her eyes glaze over she may finally see the irony of forcing Jim to cling to useless knowledge. The danger here is that Stacy does remember the date and also remembers Jim used cheaper 30-weight oil instead of the synthetic multi-grade she specifically asked for.
Don’t waste time programming your phone…B is not only the correct answer but the most efficient answer. (By the way…there’s no need to remind Stacy of the whole oil change fiasco. God forbid she discovers the cheap, single-stage oil filter Jim installed too.)
Case Study #4: Kyle owns a small but very profitable manufacturing firm. He’s getting married in three months to a wonderful woman he met at a ski resort last year in Aspen. Melody works the ski rentals desk so she doesn’t have much. Though Kyle loves Melody very much, his tax attorney has advised him to get a good prenuptial agreement first. Is it a good idea to spring a pre-nup on his fiancé?
Love Medic says: A prenuptial agreement is like preparing for failure. It’s like a pilot with a parachute…sure, he’ll be fine but it makes everybody else a little nervous. Also, a pre-nup can taint the whole ceremony.
Minister - “…and do you Melody, take Kyle, not to exceed 15% of his yearly adjusted income…to be your lawfully wedded husband, in name only and does not infer partnership in above mentioned corporation. In sickness and in health until death, or upon activation of a legally binding document of disillusionment that pre-describes asset distribution?”
Melody – “I think…I do?”
Minister – “Then I’ll need three forms of I.D. and a notarized letter of intent.”
So what should Kyle do?
A. Have we learned nothing about lawyers? They screw up everything they touch. Nix the pre-nuptial. Love should be void of any financial strings…otherwise it’s called prostitution.
B. A pre-nup has become a necessary evil in today’s litigious society. Think of it as “Gold-Digger” protection. And it may be a good idea not to write your own vows either.
C. Counsel Kyle to “play chicken” with Melody on this one by asking her to make the decision she would feel comfortable with. Hopefully while she is temporarily blinded by love, she’ll choose the pre-nup just to make him happy. (Kyle should first learn to severely internalize his exuberance).
The correct answer is A. Would you really want to think of your new wife as a whore? That is, unless you actually married a whore.
Case Study #5: Tina complains that any time she and her husband Tom go anywhere he always insists she drive. Not a problem until he begins barking out tons of driving instructions as if she were sixteen again. Tom spends the entire ride judging her speed, braking and as he calls them, “proper turn executions”. And when they arrive safely at their destination, Tom gives her an overall grade on her driving performance. Tina is in her early thirties and has been driving for over fifteen years without so much as a wreck or a speeding ticket. Driving with Tom is making her a nervous wreck.
Love Medic says: Ladies…this might sting a little; Men are better drivers and women are better passengers. Anytime this utopia is switched things can go down hill. However, if Tina’s husband insists on her doing the driving, it usually means other issues are at play. Tom may be a low man on the pole at his job and gets bossed around or worse still, Tom’s supervisor is a woman. There’s scientific proof that males posses a gene that serves only to ordering women around. This behavior, no matter how stifled, will eventually manifest itself in other ways and usually around football season.
How would you advise Tina?
A. Next time he makes her drive and then criticizes every little thing, Tina should quickly pull off right and hit the brakes. Tina can then inform Tom that she learns better by watching. Suggest she get out and force him to take the wheel.
B. Tina should talk to her husband about taking some night classes and aim for a promotion at his workplace. That way Tom can exercise his "bossy" gene at someone other than her.
C. Have her tell Tom to take the damn bus next time and hope he gets a husky female driver, of questionable orientation, who tells him to shut the "F" up and stay behind the yellow line.
Though C is tempting…the correct answer is...B.
Case Study #6: Last Saturday Mathew went over to pick up his girlfriend for dinner and a movie. When Matthew arrived at her apartment, Jennifer had cut her own hair...not a trim, but all the way down to a buzz cut. To quote Austin Powers, “She’s a bit man-ish.” To say the least, Matthew was startled and let out a gasp followed by, "What the hell?!” Before Matt could regain his composure, Jenn slammed the door. It’s been over two weeks since they’ve spoken.
Love Medic says: Ask Matthew if he had time to notice if Jennifer had smashed up the place. If so, Jennifer might have turned into a man-hater. This temporary condition is usually caused by other guys who don’t normally treat women like little princesses. They’ll cut in line in front of chicks at the deli, or they’ll crack to their buddies, “Hey frumpy, move it along, my beer is getting warm.” Could be Jennifer is suffering from a lice infestation? Or maybe it’s something as innocuous as a desperate attempt to fix a bad hair day.
Advise Matthew to...
A. Say this line word for word, “Jennifer, short hair is nice...but long hair is nice too." She may begin to apologize and blame her erratic behavior on recent stress. This is an important breakthrough. Get her to wear a hat in the meantime.
B. If her shaved head is the result of anger at men, Matthew should say this line word for word, "Nice knowing you, Butch!"
C. Matthew should know that a chick with lice is never good; it not only calls into question her hygiene habits but it starts the domino effect of introspective questions like, "What the hell else don't I know about her?" Now if Jennifer took scissors, or worse a sharp knife to her hair, she may be very unstable. In either case it’s time for Matthew to cut her loose.
Don’t fall for the “Bad hair day,” the correct answer is...C.
Case Study # 7: Patty has been going out with Todd for about two months now. Lately she has noticed Todd’s more frequent references to himself in the third person. “Todd's hungry” or “Todd likes Tuesdays.” Patty didn't think much more of it until last night at the restaurant when Todd slid a small ring box across the table and said “Will you marry Todd?” She remained calm, but its days later and Todd’s creeped-out proposal still needs an answer.
Love Medic says: Is Todd's new third person persona becoming a fifth wheel? It could be that his condescending air of self-importance is due to the lack of respect he gets from coworkers at his job or by some family members. The psyche sometimes builds walls around the ego to protect it, but in Todd’s case his inner voice jumped over the wall and has taken over his regular voice. On the upside, Todd will never have a “…was that out loud?” moment ever again.
The answer seems easy enough. The hard part will be keeping from laughing out loud as you advise Patty on her predicament.
A. All Patty has to do is start acknowledging Todd’s accomplishments. (Patty: “Wow Todd, you killed that fly on the first swat.”) Down will come the walls of protection around his fragile ego, freeing Todd’s dominant voice again.
B. Break the news slowly to Patty that Todd may have multiple personalities. And if you've ever seen a movie about multiple personality disorder, then you know a killer's probably hiding in his head too. Patty will need to answer Todd’s marriage proposal in third person so as not to arouse suspicion, "Todd…Patty needs a minute," and then she needs to RUN LIKE HELL from the crazy man.
C. Marry him...never a dull moment.
The correct answer is B. Also, Patty should be sure and kick off the heels before she starts running. We’ve all seen in the movies how a heel will break at exactly the worst possible moment and ruin her escape.
Case Study #8: Kelly tells you her husband insists on keeping the old beat-up station wagon he had before they were married. Eric insists it’s still a good car and very reliable. However with the bad paint, ripped upholstery and various dents and scratches, it looks like Kelly and Eric are struggling to make ends meet. To make things worse, there's no room in the garage to park his old station wagon so he leaves it in the driveway for all the neighbors to see. Kelly is so embarrassed by the old car that she has threatened to have it towed away as junk.
Love Medic says: So what if the dashboard is so cracked it can hold three tacos and it leaves more smoke than a shuttle launch when Eric drives to work each morning. It’s called brand loyalty. Does Kelly want Eric to treat her like some men treat their cars? “She’s got a lot of miles on her and the springs are starting to sag.” “Sure she can still take you for a ride...but she’ll use a lot of oil.” “The a/c doesn't blow like it used to and the trunks so full I can hardly get my junk in it anymore.” I’m sure there are many more…but Kelly needs your input now.
A. Kelly could encourage Eric to get the car properly tuned up, get some body work done, and maybe a paint job to make it more palatable.
B. Pay a neighbor kid to “steal” the car and for an extra twenty bucks, have him dump the damn thing into the bottom of the nearest quarry. (If a rock quarry is not available…the car can be taken to the nearest desert and torched instead.)
C. Just leave it alone, Kelly. So Eric is loyal to a product that has served him well for so long. That’s a good thing these days. Some guys trade their wives in every couple of years like they’re used cars. (FACT: These guys usually trade their older model in for a newer model.)
Damn right it's C!
Case Study #9: James met his girlfriend, Kerry, at the university they attend in southern California. Both are engineering majors. Everything was going well until lately Kerry started cancelling dates at the last minute. Movies, dinner, clubbing...and just last week Kerry abruptly cancelled plans to go camping during a semester break. James said Kerry was totally freaked out that something bad was going to happen to them. After trying to reassure her for over an hour Kerry finally revealed that she’s been seeing a psychic for the past two and a half months. That psychic has not only been running her life but now James’ life has been affected too.
Love Medic says: Psychics make tons of money selling you potential heartbreak and doom. People (chicks really) would stop going to psychics if each weeks “reading” was…“I sense another week of good health and good times with your loving, monogamous boyfriend.” So planting multiple scenarios of pending doom in Kerry’s head every week empowers her to think she can somehow avoid future calamities. (FACT: Faking-out The Reaper is fun…until you mess up.) Unfortunately all Kerry is avoiding is a normal life.
Jim needs your wise counsel. What will it be?
A. Without Kerry’s knowledge, have Jim set up his own “reading” with her psychic and proceed to tell “Spooky Bitch” where to get off!
B. Encourage Jim to talk to Kerry about how these “readings” are not only unscientific but well below their educated minds. Try to work the phrase “waste of F-ing money” in where he can.
C. Jim could fight fire with fire by refuting every one of Kerry’s arguments with the help of a Radio Shack Magic 8 Ball. This will demonstrate the shear lunacy of believing even one word of these palm reading phonies. (Note: If the 8 Ball agrees with the psychic…Jim is screwed and I sense he’s badly shortened his love line.)
The correct answer is B. I’d also accept the “Fun” answer, C.
FINAL Case Study #10: Select the least WORST answer.
A husband wants to buy his wife perfume for her 40th birthday.
A. But instead of the expensive perfume she likes…he buys her a cheap knock-off that “sort of” smells the same
B. He buys her a very expensive perfume; however, it’s the same scent the hot chick at his office wears. (I think we all know what that’s saying…)
C. He buys her “NASCAR for Ladies” (It also includes soap-on-a-rope and a cool lighter with a picture of Greg Biffle on it.)
D. He buys no perfume and instead brings home a cute, cuddly, kitten.
The correct answer is A. No need for a guy to ding his wallet, when on his birthday she gets him a bunch of cheap, shitty tools he ends up throwing away. It’s the way of the world, my friends.
Now it’s time to add up your score and see if you’ve got what it takes to be a certified Love Medic. But first here’s a word from our sponsor.
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Now, as your Love Medic instructor it’s time for you to grade your papers.
10 correct answers: A perfect score! It’s obvious, however, that you cheated on this quiz. Therefore you come across as petty and untrustworthy. That said, you definitely have what it takes to be a Love Medic. Your ability to completely shut off all the moral reasoning centers in your brain and stay focused on a single task is, well, perfect. Congratulations Love Medic…you’re the best of the best!
9 correct answers: A nearly perfect score. You probably cheated too, only you deviously missed one question on purpose just to make it look like you didn’t cheat. You are cold and calculating. And that directly translates into someone who keeps a cool head while counseling a person through the rough waters of a stormy relationship. (Don’t tell the guy with the perfect score…but you’re really the best of the best Love Medic.)
8 correct answers: You probably cheated too…only you’re not very good at it. That or you have a shred a conscience left after taking this test. However, it’s still an 80% score. Your phone number is at the top of my speed dial list. Go forth and counsel, young Love Medic.
7 correct answers: A good solid score. You didn’t cheat either. You have a good demeanor and display a genuine interest in others. You’ll be able to counsel the needy “from your heart” and get a little grab-ass as you throw in a consoling hug or two. Your Love Medic phone number is on my speed dial...but it’s down near the “Barking Dog” complaint hotline.
6 correct answers: Say hello to “average” Love Medic student. Sorry, but you wouldn’t make my speed dial list at all. But I will keep your number on the side of my refrigerator. However, “C’s” get degrees.
5 correct answers: You are on the “slippery slope” of academics. If you’re called to counsel a friend, you’ll need to stay focused and not let your mind wander say, on the broken-hearted’s poor choice of nail polish or whether her hunky ex may prefer redheads instead.
4 correct answers: It is certain that you are on nobody’s speed dial. Thank god we don’t license pilots and doctors with anemic scores of 40%. But, since this is about love gone wrong, and nothing says gone wrong like missing 6 out of 10 softball questions, you’re now a certified Love Medic.
3 correct answers: Where the hell do I finally draw the line? Not here apparently. Welcome aboard, doctor. Just don’t hang your certificate where people might actually see it.
2 correct answers: Really, you’re actually reading this to see if there’s any chance you passed? Damn! You’ve got moxie, kid! You’re in! I can just see you now, dispensing your convoluted advice, wearing your “faux tuxedo” Love Medic t-shirt.
1 correct answer: If you ever happen upon a person who is crying and possibly making statements about their soon to come demise, say nothing and just keep walking. The despondent person will have a better chance at life working it out on their own…or not. But we just can’t take that chance.
0 correct answers: Wow, a perfect zero. Slowly step away from your computer. Put your hands on your head, interlacing your fingers, and wait for the police to arrive. (It’s not like you haven’t heard that before.
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Welcome new Love Medics…and remember, you’re now a first responder to the brokenhearted.
The following is a bonus for Certified Love Medics only! Hey, that’s you. Here are some more case studies to help with your continuing education. Besides, we needed to fatten up this study course in order to justify our .99 cent price.
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Case Study #11 “I don’t like her dial tone”
Your friend Don is looking deep into a glass of beer while barely keeping track of the football game on the TV. He confides in you about his new girlfriend, Brittney. (FACT: Most guys don’t actually "confide," it’s more like letting off steam.) He reveals that the other day after finishing up a short conversation on the phone with Brittney, he hangs up only having his phone ring again. It's Brittney calling, but she is unaware she has called Don back. Apparently she hit redial accidently because all Don can hear is her talking to someone in the background. Thinking Brittney is in trouble or being mugged and has managed to hit her redial and hoping Don will come to her rescue, Don shouts into the phone to see if she’s ok. He finds out that Brittney was not in any kind of trouble but she may be now. As Don listens, Brittney starts talking about her new boyfriend to her co-workers. She tells them all about what a dud Don turned out to be and then goes on to bag on his "old man" taste in clothes and reveals to her friends that her last boyfriend made way more money than Don. She continues with the admission that she'll soon be dumping "grandpa" Don -- possibly this weekend
Love Medic says: Generally, if someone has to tell you the truth it’s usually delivered with several friendly disclaimers and wrapped in a sugar coating. (FACT: When people say they are telling you the truth, due to the sugar coating, it’s only about 74% pure.) 100% truth, on the other hand, is the fuel rockets use to escape the atmosphere with a powerfully violent ground shaking white hot flame that burns hotter than a thousand suns. Now add poor old Don and a cheap suit.
Love Medics, you're lucky to hear Don’s confession while he’s still in one of the three beer drinking phases of “drowning your sorrows.” Tequila shots are the last stop in the “wrong remedy” department of drinking to forget.
Write this down, Love Medics. Here is the Sorrow Progression for Men:
1) Beer drinking with foul language
2) Beer drinking while picking fights with strangers.
3) Still more beer drinking, while calmly mumbling reflections about lost loves and horrible NFL trades
4) And finally, lots of Tequila shots finished off with extremely loud vomiting. (FACT: Most booze fueled vomiting elicits between 68db and 74dbs. Vomiting Tequila is well over 160dbs.)
Love Medics, the clock is ticking. What counsel will you provide a man who’s just tasted the pure, sugar-free, rocket fuel of truth?
A. Don must be told one thing -- tequila shots are expensive! (Especially now that the world knows he don't make a lotta coin.) Encourage Don to not only walk away from the insensitive Brittney but channel his anger into a new hobby instead of drinking to forget. Suggest that he take up pottery or photography.
B. Don must man-up and risk a woman’s "are you somehow spying on me?" charge and confront Brittney about her true feelings towards him. If an embarrassed Brittney begins apologizing for her overheard indiscretions, Don wins and he gets his balls back. If she laughs in his face, it’s goodbye balls, hello tequila and Don takes up a new hobby called gutter vomiting.
C. Have Don try the old "tit for tat" angle. He can start by "mistakenly" calling Brittney’s phone. He should act as if he's talking to friends while letting Brittney have it with both barrels. Make up stuff about her bad breath and crooked haircut and then bring it home with the line "she wears clothes that are really tight...not sexy tight, more like sausage tight.” Also suggest that Don change his number, his address, his job, and have some plastic surgery to disguise his identity.
The correct answer is C. Besides having a cool, guy-friendly named “Tit for Tat” option, this brings out the childish nature that often hides in each of us. And the guys at his favorite watering hole will expect a kick-ass story of well, being a man, dammit! Although answer A is true, it doesn’t satisfy a man’s need for justice; i.e., getting his balls back.
Case Study #12 “Spitting Image”
Ray’s new girlfriend, Carla, spits all the time. And not the dainty "ooh, a bug flew in my mouth" type of stuff. No, she hocks up the oysters on purpose and especially enjoys punctuating her rowdiness with a long, productive snort and rapid expulsion. How does Ray tactfully adjust Carla’s spit fixation?
Love Medic says: You can take the girl out of the country, but you can’t take the fat-neck, white trash ways out of your hillbilly honey. Looks like it’s tractor pulls and cage fights for entertainment where female spitting is not only allowed but encouraged. The alternative is swallowing. Don't be alarmed; it is totally normal if you just threw up in your mouth.
Listen up Love Medics -- this case study can also be used to counsel a guy whose chick does other gross man-things. Like crotch scratching, audible farting, phrase burping, talking with food in her mouth, etc. This may seem like an easy call Love Medics but it-snot. The wrong council could end up with someone going to jail...and that someone would most likely be Carla as Ray would be getting his faced stitched up at the nearest Emergency Room.
A. Have Ray delicately suggest Carla use a mouthwash. It may kill the bad taste she has in her mouth and reduce or even stop her spitting -- or she may still hock loogies, but they’ll be "minty fresh" now. (Go ahead Love Medic interns, throw up in your mouth again -- I’ll wait.)
B. Ray should have her sipping on bottled water or give her some hard candy when they go out. He should do it without saying why and if she gets curious about Ray always being ready with a cold bottle of water and a few Jolly Ranchers he can just say "Baby, you gotsa keep hydra-nated." (I’m guessing that Ray didn’t quite finish school or even a single cogent thought growing up.)
C. Tell Ray that he is the real problem. It seems that every time Carla spits a big one, without realizing it, he’ll slap his knee and retort, “Damn, look-at ‘er-go!” And maybe Ray is secretly proud of his plus-sized, honky-tonk, woman and her constant spitting, farting, and beer drinking ways. She is him, only with shorter hair and more tattoos. Advise Ray to come finally clean about his true feelings.
The correct answer is A. The answer B would only arouse Carla’s suspicion that Ray is secretly going to night school to better himself and may someday trade Carla in for a lesser, low-rent rodeo queen.
Case Study #13 “Loser in law”
Jennifer confesses "My husband Dean and I have been married for just over two years. Dean’s brother, Ronny, lost his job as a security guard and was evicted from his apartment. Dean invited his brother to move in with us for a week or two until he gets back on his feet. It started as a noble gesture of helping out family, but that was four months ago. Ronny claims he’s been looking real hard for a job but when I get home from work I usually find him on the couch drinking our beer and playing X-box. And he has yet to get an interview.” Jennifer continues, "It’s bad enough having my brother-in-law wasting the day on our dime, but every night when he gets drunk he brushes up against me as he pretends to help with the dishes.”
Jennifer also shares that she's tried to tell Dean about this but they just end up in a fight where she's labeled "insensitive" and "over reactionary" by her tunnel-visioned husband.
Love Medic says: Here is a great example for you young Love Medics to test the "FLIP" principal. Let’s say it’s Dean who has the problem with his wife’s lazy unemployed sister living off them and he is the one being "inadvertently" rubbed upon by the beer buzzed sister as she helps him take out the trash. Can you say DISNEYLAND? (There is a French word for this but I can’t recall what it is right now.) Okay, it seems the "FLIP" principal has its limitations as an easy fix for this problem.
Most women, except for the rowdy, boob-flashin’ white trash kind, would not welcome inappropriate contact from anyone. Love Medics, your counsel to Jen will have to be stern but not divisive.
A. Have Jen hide a video cam in the kitchen and secretly record Ronnie’s boorish behavior and present it to Dean to support her case.
B. Jen could hold the "ultimatum" grenade and have her husband Dean pull the pin by saying, "Either your brother moves out, or I will move out."
C. Give Ronnie $20 bucks for another beer run. While he’s gone toss his duffle bag of Dollar Store apparel and his box of 80s hair metal CDs on the front lawn and lock the door.
The correct answer is B. Jen does not have to prove anything to her husband; besides, most "secret" video usually ends up on the not-so-secret YouTube.
Case Study #14 “Food Count”
Kyle has been dating Liz, a sweet looking little hippy chick, for a few months and only now has discovered a problem with some of her hippy ways. One afternoon while watching football together Liz dropped a hot wing on the carpet. Kyle was stunned to observe Liz’s slow response to the errant chicken. He counted at least nine seconds before she finally corralled the food and then, to the inner horrifying screams in Kyle’s head, he watched as she put it in into her mouth as if nothing had happened. Kyle is worried that more vexing hippy ways will emerge and wonders if it’s safe to be kissing on this woman?
Love medic says: In order to use the 3-second rule of eating food that you have dropped and retrieved, you've got to first announce "three seconds" before you eat it. There is no give to the 3-second rule. It cannot be tampered with. It is there to keep us above dogs. While some breeds adhere to a 15-second rule, many others only care that they’ve stumbled upon some food that "wasn’t here yesterday." Where does it end? Will Kyle witness Liz peeling a cold, carpet-fibered nacho chip that went face down early in the first quarter and eating it as if it were still cradled in the takeout basket? More frightening for Kyle is the thought of, "what other standard rules of basic food ingestion does my hippy chick, Liz, fudge on?" Will she take a sip off someone else’s glass of wine? Or maybe Liz is ok with sharing a bite from her slice of pizza, or finishing the mashed potatoes from a stranger’s plate at a restaurant.
Love Medics, your counsel to Kyle must be strong but have an air of forgiveness as most hippies, slowed by cannabis, can take up to eight seconds to actually count to three.
A. Kyle needs to know that contracting cholera from his new sweetie is a real danger and he should immediately break up with Liz and ditch her "hippy" ways. And Kyle should continue to pee in jars and line them against the wall of his Las Vegas Penthouse al la Howard Hughes.
B. Remind Kyle that his girlfriend is watching football with him and that he is a pussy for having any problem with Liz’s eating habits. Again, she is watching football with you Kyle, you pussy!
C. Remind Kyle that allowing a few more germs to board the dropped hot wing may actually help break down the lipoproteins quicker. Besides, Kyle's girlfriend is eating greasy cholesterol laden chicken, deep fried in animal fat. (FACT: Smoking a carton of cigarettes is actually safer.)
The correct answer is B. Okay, I’ll accept answer C as well. By the way, not all "hippy" ways are bad. Sure, irregular bathing and long armpit hair can bring on the unwanted stench of B.O., but on the plus side there is the hippy chick’s inclination towards spontaneous toplessness.
Love Medic Code of Ethics....your questions are answered here.
Q: Can I help console the heartbroken with a well timed but plutonic hug?
A: Unlike real doctor/patient relationships where medical professionals are required to adhere to a certain code of ethics, a certified Love Medic is free to do whatever it takes to console the heartbroken. Free to hug, free to pat, caress or even kiss a client but only as a last resort, and only if her eyes are saying "yes."
Q: While counseling someone, could I bad mouth their ex as a way to maybe hook up for a little rebound action?
A: Hell yes, you're the Love Medic and who knows, maybe YOU are just what the "doctor" ordered.
Q: When should a Love Medic not intervene?
A: I have found it useful to avoid situations where guns and/or blood are present.
Q: Do we ever get paid for dispensing Love Medic advice?
A: Most Love Medics have written me about receiving a nice card or a hand written letter of thanks. True, that don't keep the lights on; however, reread the above for the really cool benefits of being a certified Love Medic.
Q: Can a certified Love Medic write prescriptions?
A: Sure, but unfortunately some government "know-it-alls" won't let us dispense controlled narcotics. What does that leave us with? Only everything else. You could write a “prescription" for a getaway vacation, a shopping spree, Mike's Hard Lemonade, a new puppy, ballroom dancing lessons, a law firm, a DNA expert; you can even recommend some real life-changing things that can make popping a Zoloft a thing of the past. However, if you do happen to come across an errant Zoloft or two in the bottom of your purse...well, it’s your call.
Q: What can a Love Medic learn from using the time-honored art of reading body language?
A: If we were to offer studies on how to read body language, it would only open the door to other “time-honored” stuff like palm reading and snake handling. Did Bulls coach Phil Jackson really need to draw up plays for Michael Jordan? Did Oprah ever drop on a pair of reading glasses and thumb through a pocket guide on dysfunctional relationships to dispense her wisdom? No. Just wing it, baby.
Q: Is there any shred of usable material in this whole Love Medic Quiz?
A: Is that the bell? Yes, I believe so. Time’s up, class. Now raise your right hand and repeat after me. "I will buy Creighton Thompson’s ebook "LaughCryVomit" for just $1.99 by clicking this link."
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/16227
Or on Apple’s iBooks by searching “Creighton Thompson.”
I hereby pronounce you a certified Love Medic. Go into all the world and heal the heartbroken wherever and whenever you have a sec.
Creighton Thompson M.D.S.
Certified Chief Love Medic
National Board of Love Medic Examiners
And now here’s a special bonus...
Creighton Thompson's "Good to Know" Educational series.
"I Can Fly a Plane"
You are on a commercial jetliner and you’re at thirty-three thousand feet traveling at approximately 530 knots when suddenly the stewardess (Fact: the politically correct title “Flight Attendant” is actually only used by stewardesses) announces on the plane’s intercom that both pilots have become incapacitated by their in-flight meals. You then hear the unthinkable as the stewardess asks if anyone knows how to fly a plane. The two Middle Eastern gentlemen that raised their hands first quietly lower them when the stewardess adds the caveat, “Can you land it too?”
Will you be just another one of many loud screaming voices heard as the plane runs out of fuel and becomes a 140 ton lawn dart? Not now you won’t. As a Creighton Thompson’s Good to Know series “I Can Fly a Plane” graduate, you now have a fighting chance...or at least a slight possibility that you might actually land the plane and not kill everybody in the process.
Taking the controls of a fully fueled commercial jetliner without even a single day of real flight school is totally cool. Be careful not to mention that little tidbit to anyone in earshot as it could undo your chance of saving a doomed airliner full of frightened passengers. No sense getting the mass sobbing started too early. You could mention that you are a graduate of Creighton Thompson's "Good to Know" series "I Can Fly a Plane," but please only mention that if you do get this crate safely back on the ground. (We have a large alumni association that helps support our educational system and we don't need any blemishes on that, thank you very much!)
Cap'n Thompson says: It is evident that most of the passengers (not counting the two in the back row joining the ‘mile high’ club) are aware that the flight crew is toast and they are now preparing for a horrible, unplanned death. This means that anything that ends up in less than death will make you a hero. Whether you cause a fiery belly landing that chars most of the fuselage, snap off both wings as you set the plane down on the nearest interstate, or you cartwheel the damn thing through a mobile home park as long as some, or hopefully most passengers survive, your heroic efforts, you are in good shape. And I think it goes without saying that you should also try to survive as posthumous accolades are definitely less fun to receive.
The grateful survivors will thank you from their hospital beds and celebrate you on each anniversary of that fateful day. Some will name their future kids after you or rename their current ones.
Okay junior pilots, buckle up and let’s get to work.
Step One: When the pale and nervous stewardess announces on the plane’s intercom in a defeated, shivering tone, “does anyone know how to fly a plane?” raise that hand high and raise it quickly. Nothing stokes confidence in people like watching a bold, resolute leader take command of a desperate situation. Don’t be surprised when a woman, closer to your grandma’s age, escorts you to the cockpit. (FACT: Laws that require pilots to retire at a certain age unfortunately do not apply to the whole crew.) And for heaven’s sake, when you get to the flight deck, act like you’ve been there before. Letting out a bunch of “cool” and “wow, what’s that do?” will certainly un-stoke any confidence people had in you. By the way -- when women finally shattered the glass ceiling and began flying commercial jets, that’s when cockpit turned into flight deck.
Step Two: Ask the stewardess what series of plane this is. She will probably give you a number anywhere from 65 to 9000. Don’t look confused; just respond with “So, this is a newer one eh?” If she nods in agreement, this modern plane can not only fly itself, it can land itself too. This excludes all Russian-built models.
Just log onto the system and select "land the plane" from the drop down menu. Be sure to check the box under the icon of a plane nose-down and on fire as this denotes that the pilots are incapacitated and you have been designated with the new call sign “Hail Mary.” As in “This is Albuquerque center, Hail Mary descend and maintain 35-hundred heading 079er.”
Now your jetliner is going to land, but it needs to know where. Just type in the correct destination and click “land” and you’re done. Keep in mind, we’ve had several “Good to Know” grads that faced this same scenario and nervously selected the closest airport in which to land and thus end all the anxiety. Remember this -- the flying public is sometimes a bit fickle. If you save their life but instead land them at an airport that has them scrambling for ground transportation to get to their final destination, they will hate you forever. Apparently a fiery plane crash is better than a long redeye on a charter bus.
Step Three: Since everything is all locked-in as if the pilots were still flying the plane, it’s now time to give “the speech” to the passengers via the intercom. Here is a speech template that will make even Captain Sullenberger jealous of hearing of your miraculous landing. Don’t be surprised if he calls you to ask for a few pointers on “emergency landing” speech writing.
First, lay out the grave situation you are all in, adding that it might be a good time to tell that someone special that you love them very much. This kind of talk gets the tears going and prevents mass panic. Second, it’s time for a bit of showboating in your speech. Feel free to lie about having over five thousand hours in this very type of jet (or to sound more pilot-like, call it equipment) and that you gave up a job in the airline industry to pursue your love of being a pediatric veterinarian instead.
Step Four: After the plane has pretty much landed itself (this is another reason the door to the cockpit is locked) do not, I repeat, DO NOT taxi the plane up to the gate. Two reasons: 1) There is no drop down menu in the jets computer that says “Taxi up to gate, unload plane and be a hero” so it is possible you might hit something on the way as you maneuver through the myriad of jet-ways around a busy airport, and 2) Waiting for a ladder-truck to drive out to the end of the runway to off board the grateful passengers will give the local media time to get set up to properly capture your heroic efforts. Can you say, YouTube darling?
Finally, as you stand at the top of the ladder, hug each and every passenger – especially the uglier ones as looking like a saint will certainly help when the flood of lucrative book deals begin pouring in.
However, if during “Step Two” the stewardess lets out a disturbing laugh at your inquiry about the exact age of the aircraft and adds, “Hell, they were flying these babies around when I was a kid.” This is obviously not good news. Having a person who can barely set their microwave clock now in the left seat flying a fully fueled commercial jetliner is in fact very bad news. But don’t wet yourself just yet. Remember, you are a certified Good to Know educational series “I Can Fly a Plane” graduate and that could make a difference.
First, be calm. Second, SCREW CALM!!! You may soon die a fiery, horrible death. Third, and most important, you may want to browse through the pilot’s emergency manual kept in every plane. It's called "What to Expect When You’re Expecting to Crash.” Such topics on proper flap, thrust, and spoiler settings are enough to put anyone to sleep. Fortunately for you the plane is in a steep descent and that may well keep you reading through the entire plain text, picture- less, and boring technical manual. Let me boil it down for you. Push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. Pull the stick backwards, the houses get smaller.
Lastly, have a little fun on the way down by doing some improvised aerobatics with the plane. This will prep the passengers for the very bad landing that is probably coming.
There is one last thing -- have you finished paying off your Creighton Thompson’s “Good to Know” series student loan? We do not enjoy filing a lien on your estate or getting into an ugly argument with your widow/widower in probate court.
Thank you in advance and for thank you for choosing the “Good to Know” series.
This is your educational Captain, Creighton Thompson, saying “Over and out.”
Coming soon: The next course in our Good to Know series called “I’m not a Lawyer, but...”
Be sure to download Creighton Thompson’s new eBook “LaughCryVomit” by clicking here. It’s just a buck ninety nine. https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/16227 Or search for Creighton Thompson.