RAUNCHY JOKES
FOR GUYS
Dirk Malloy
Published by Dirk Malloy at Smashwords 2010
© 2010 Dirk Malloy All Rights Reserved
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STARTING OFF WITH A BANG
Two guys were sitting in a bar discussing what their favorite screwing position was. One of them said he favored the “rodeo” position.
“Oh yeah, what’s that?”
Well, you get the woman on all fours and start banging her doggie style from behind. When she’s really into it, you put all your weight on her and lift your hands into the air. Then you whisper in her ear, “I did this to your sister last week, and she loved it, too.”
“And then?”
“Then you try to stay on top with no hands for eight seconds!”
A beautiful woman comes to a doctor, and immediately he is so struck by her that all his professionalism goes right out the window. Within moments, he has her pants off and is rubbing her thighs.
“Do you know what I’m doing?” the doctor asks.
“Yes,
checking my blood circulation.
He removes her shirt and bra and
begins rubbing her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing
now
“Yes, checking for breast cancer.”
Finally, he undresses her completely, puts her on the examination table, and starts having sex with her. “Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asks.
“Yes,” she replies. “You are getting herpes – that’s why I came here.”
A cop is walking his beat one night when he comes upon a man sitting against a wall, grasping his car keys and wailing, “They took my car!”
The cop asks him, “What are your car keys doing out?”
“My car was right on the end of the key! The thieves stole it right from my key!"
“All right, stand up, and— Wait a minute, your penis is exposed. What’s that all about?”
“Oh my God!” exclaims the man. “They stole my girlfriend, too!”
One Christmas season, long ago, as Santa was busy in his workshop manufacturing presents for children around the world, everything started to go wrong. First, four of his elves came down with the flu, so the production of toys began falling behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus said her mother was coming to visit, causing Santa still more stress. Then two of his reindeer turned out to be pregnant, and two of the others jumped a fence and couldn’t be found.
On Christmas Eve, things only got worse. As Santa was loading up his sleigh, he dropped his bag of toys and they fell all over in the snow. He was so upset, he went into the house to have a shot of whiskey and a cup of coffee, but it turned out the elves had hidden the whiskey, and Santa dropped the pot of coffee and it broke into a hundred pieces. He went to get a broom to sweep them up, but the mice had eaten the straw.
Just then the doorbell rang. Santa went to the door and yanked it open. There was a sweet little angel with a great big Christmas tree. She gave Santa a big smile and said, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely day? I have brought you a beautiful tree. Where would you like me to put it?”
And that is how the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree began.
A beautiful woman in a tight mini-skirt steps up to board a bus only to find that her dress is too tight to allow her leg to reach the first step. With a blushing smile to the bus driver, she reaches behind her to unzip her skirt a bit, hoping to get some slack to lift her leg.
Once more she tries to board but still can’t make it. Again she reaches behind her to unzip herself a little further. Even this proves insufficient, so she tries a third time.
At this point, a big guy behind her takes her by the waist and lifts her onto the bus. She whirls on him in outrage. “How dare you touch me! I don’t even know you!”
“Well,” says the man with a shrug, “since you’ve already unzipped my fly three times, I figured we was kind of acquainted."
Three guys were seated together on a plane, and one of them began bragging about what a great lover he was. “Last night,” he boasted, “I made love to my wife four times. “And this morning, she made me breakfast and told me how fantastic I’d been.”
“Big deal,” said the second man. “Last night I made love to my wife six times, and this morning she told me I was the best she’d ever had in her life.”
The third man remained silent. “Well,” taunted the first man, “How many times did you make love to your wife last night.”
“Once,” said the man.
“Once!” snorted the second man. “Hah! And what did she say to you this morning?”
“Don’t stop.”
A man enters his bathroom as his wife is standing before the mirror, examining her breasts. “I wish they were bigger,” she complains.
He’s heard this before, and is tired of telling her they are just fine, so instead he says, “A good way to make them grow is to rub a piece of toilet paper between them for a few seconds every day.”
Desperate to try anything, she takes a piece of toilet paper and starts rubbing it between her breasts. “How long will this take?” she asks her husband.
“A few years, maybe.”
“Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?”
“It worked for your ass, didn’t it?”
A man goes to his doctor and confesses he can’t get an erection over his wife anymore. The doctor suggests he bring his wife in the next day.
Next day, the man appears with his wife and the doctor tells her to get undressed. “Okay, now turn around,” the doctor tells her. “Now lie down. Ah, I see the problem. You can put your clothes back on now.”
While she is getting dressed, the doctor takes the man aside. “You’re in perfect health,” he tells him. “Your wife didn’t give me an erection either.”
A couple of men had been camping together for several days and were getting a little tired of each other’s company, so they decided to split up for a day, go on separate hikes, and then hook up at the end of the day to share their adventures.
That night, as they’re cooking beans over the fire, the first man described his day. “I hiked into a lovely valley, followed a stream, fished a little, cooked up a nice trout for lunch, then went for a swim. Then I lay back and watched the sky, the birds, and a deer who was standing in a clearing nearby. How was your day?”
“I went over that hill and found a set of railroad tracks, which I followed for about a mile. There was a beautiful woman tied to the tracks, so I cut her loose, lifted her off the tracks, and had fantastic sex with her in every way you can think of.”
“Wow!” said the first man. “Your day was certainly more exciting than mine. Did you get a blowjob, too?”
“Nah, I wanted to, but I couldn’t find her head.”
Three vampires walk into a bar and two of them order a pitcher of fresh blood. The third just orders a cup of hot water. “Whoa,” the others warn him. “You can’t drink that. You’ll die.”
The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, “Tea time!”
The young woman in hot pants and high boots came up to a man and held out a cup that said, “Please donate. Keep hookers off the streets.”
“How much would you like me to donate?” the man asked.
“That depends,” said the woman. “How long would you like to keep me off the street?”
There was once a women who had a very disloyal husband. He always beat her, was terrible in bed, and then he ran away from her. So, she put an ad in the paper saying, "If you are a loyal man, that does not beat his wife, does not run away from his wife, and is good in bed, please contact me.
A couple of months pass, and she has almost given up hope when her doorbell rings. She answers it to find a man with no legs and no arms.
He says, "I have no arms, so I can't beat you, I have no legs, so I can't run away from you
"But are you good in bed?" she asks.
He replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”
A man goes to a whorehouse and goes upstairs with a beautiful woman. But then she reveals a few flaws. She unscrews her wooden leg and lays it on a chair. She takes out her dentures and puts them in a glass. She removes her wig to reveal she is bald. And she takes off her padded bra to reveal she is flat chested.
Disgusted, the man unzips his fly, unscrews his wooden dick, hands it to her and says, “Here, go fuck yourself.”
A guy is sunbathing nude at the beach with his privates covered with a newspaper. When a little girl comes up to him and asks him what’s under there, he replies, “A bird.”
The girl goes away and the man falls asleep. When he wakes up, he is in a hospital and in great pain. A police officer comes up to his bed and asks if he recalls what happened to him.
"I don't know,” the man says. “I was at the beach and I fell asleep after talking to a little girl."
The cop goes to the beach, locates the girl, and asks her if she did anything to the man while he was asleep.
"All I did was play with his bird,” she says. “But after a few minutes it spat at me, so I broke its neck, burnt its nest, and smashed all its eggs!"
A teenage boy asked his father if he could have a car. “No, you can’t have a car until you’re a man, son,” the father replied. “Does your dick reach your asshole yet?”
“No,” the boy conceded.
A few years later the boy pestered his father again. His dad repeated the question, “Does your dick reach your asshole yet?”
“No,” said the boy.
Finally, on his twenty-first birthday, the boy was able to answer yes. “I’m ready for my car, Dad. My dick now reaches my asshole.”
“Good,” said the father. “Go fuck yourself.”
CELEBRITY CENTRAL
A little eight-year-old boy is distraught because his parents have just been killed in a horrible car accident. He's sitting in the gutter in the pouring rain, sobbing his little heart out, with no money and no hope, cold and freezing and soaking wet. Suddenly, a stretch limousine pulls up and out steps Michael Jackson.
"Hey, what's up little fella?" says a kindly Jackson. The little orphan boy tells Jackson his tragic story. A look of pity spreads across Jackson's face, he pats the little boy on the head and then drops his trousers and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"
Why did Michael Jackson cross the road?
His dick was stuck in a chicken.
What’s that creamy stuff all over the urinal?
Michael Jackson’s latest release.
How many Michael Jacksons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Michael Jackson only screws little boys!
What's the worst stain to try and remove from little boy's underpants?
Michael Jackson's makeup.
Who does Michael Jackson consider a perfect "10"?
Two 5 year olds.
What's black and white and comes in little cans?
Michael Jackson.
What did Michael Jackson say after he was interrupted during sex?
"Shit happens!"
Janet and Michael Jackson were at home one night when Janet asks, “Shall we get a pizza and video tonight?”
Michael says “Sure, can we get Aladdin?”
“No, just a pizza and video.”
The date for Michael Jackson's trial has been set.
His name is Aaron and he's 8 years old.
Why did Michael check into the Betty Ford clinic?
To get over his 11-year crack habit.
What do second place race horses and Michael Jackson have in common?
They both come in a little behind.
What would you call Michael Jackson if he slept with another 20 or 30 young boys?
Monsignor.
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and asked him how he managed for sex.
"What is sex?” he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said, “Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
"Tarzan,” she said with a smile, “you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it right." She took off her clothes and presented herself to him. "Here," she said, "you must put it here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and gave her a mighty kick in the crotch. She rolled around in agony and finally managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Tarzan check for bees.”
How do you fuck up Martha Stewart’s day twice?
Fuck her in the ass, then wipe it on her curtains.
A 300-lb. woman walks in to a tattoo shop and asks the artist, "Sir could you do a tattoo of Iron Mike Tyson on this leg and another of Mohammed Ali on this leg?"
"Sure,” he says, “Come on back and have a seat."
A couple hours later the man shows the woman the final product. The woman takes a look at the tattoo and says, "Well, sir, we have a problem. This doesn’t look like Iron Mike Tyson, and this sure as hell doesn’t look like Mohammed Ali."
The man thinks to himself, "I sure as hell don't want to get into a fight with this 300-lb. woman,” so he comes up with a solution. He tells the woman, "Okay, here's the deal. You go outside and the first person you see you ask them if that tattoo looks like Tyson and if that one looks like Ali."
So the woman agrees, goes outside, approaches a drunk walking down the street, pulls up her skirt and asks him, "Sir, does this look anything like Iron Mike Tyson to you?"
The man says, “No, sure don’t.”
“Well, how about this,” the woman asks, showing him the other leg. “Does this look anything like Mohammed Ali to you?"
Taking another sip from his bottle, the drunk says, “Nope, that sure don't, but that one in the middle looks just like Don King.”
A flea died and went to heaven. St. Peter met it at the gate and asked how it would like to spend the rest of eternity.
“On Willie Nelson’s beard,” the flea answered without hesitation.
“So be it,” said St. Peter, and it was done. A few weeks later he ran into the flea and asked how he was doing.
“I made a terrible mistake,” said the flea. “I get woke up in the middle of the night drenched with beer, I hear foul language all the time, and I keep getting woozy with some white powder that flies around. It's Hell, St. Peter, I'm miserable!"
“Well, then, is there anyplace else you might like to spend the rest of eternity?”
“Yes, St. Peter, I’ve thought about it, and I’ve decided I want to spend the rest of eternity in Dolly Parton's bush."
“It is done,” said St. Peter. A few weeks later he checked up on the flea again and asked if the new choice was working out.
“Well, it’s kind of strange,” the flea said. “You see, there was this big party. There was lots of singing and dancing, I got bounced around a lot, and there was this weird smoke in the air that made me dizzy. There were hands all over me, and I don't quite remember all that happened, but would you believe it? I'm back in Willie Nelson's beard!"
A honeymooning couple is lying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to her husband, "I have a confession to make, honey. I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies stiffly, "You don’t say. I didn’t know that."
The wife continues, "But it was only with one guy.”
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to call room service for something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
Bill Clinton and Hillary are in the first row just above the dugout at a Yankee game. The row behind them is taken up with Secret Service agents. One of them leans over and whispers something in the President's ear. President Clinton pauses, then grabs Hillary by the scruff of the neck and heaves her over the railing. She falls ten feet to the top of the dugout, kicking and screaming obscenities all the way down. After she lands, the President bows to the crowd, shaking hands and "high-fiving" everyone near him.
The Secret Service agent again leans over and whispers, "No, Mr. President, I said they want you to throw out the first PITCH."
Hillary Clinton and Janet Reno were having one of those girl-to-girl talks, and Hillary said to Janet, "You're lucky you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he’s last had his pecker."
Janet responded, "Just because I’m ugly doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."
"Well, how do you deal with the problem?"
"Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can."
That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slipped into bed. She could hear him start to stir and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and she was ready for him! She tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting, smelliest fart you can imagine.
Bill rolled over and asked, "Janet, is that you?"
It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades and all the kids are restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day. The teacher says, "Whoever first correctly answers the questions I ask can leave early today. Here’s the first one: Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago?'”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie answers, “Abraham Lincoln,” and the teacher says, “Okay, you can go, Susie.”
Johnny is annoyed, because he knew the answer.
Next the teacher asks, "Who said, 'I have a dream'?"
Again, before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary answers, "Martin Luther King."
The teacher says, "That's right Mary. You can go."
Johnny, who knew the answer, is even madder than before.
Next the teacher asks, "Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can say a word, Nancy answers, "John Kennedy" and gets to go home.
Now Johnny is boiling mad. “I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!” he mutters.
“Who said that!” demands the teacher.
"BILL CLINTON,” says Johnny. “CAN I GO NOW?"
There’s a new favorite game for interns at the White House. It’s called “Swallow the leader.”
The major difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic is that we have a rough estimate of how many people went down on the Titanic.
Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, but due to an administrative error, the Pope gets sent to hell and Clinton to heaven. A few days later the matter is straightened out, and the Pope on his way up meets Clinton on his way down and they stop to chat for a few moments.
“I’m really excited about going to heaven,” says the Pope.
“Why’s that?” Clinton asks.
“All my life I’ve wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.”
Clinton shakes his head. “I’m afraid you’re a day late.”
One day, in the middle of winter, Bill Clinton strolls onto the White House lawn only to find the words “Kill the President” written in urine in the snow.
Angered, the president calls in his Secret Service people and demands to find the culprit. Eventually, they get back to him, and the head of security says, “Mr. President, there’s bad news and really bad news.”
“Okay,” says Clinton, “give me the bad news first.”
“Well, we sampled the urine and it turns out to belong to your vice president, Al Gore.”
Clinton slumps at the betrayal. “That’s terrible,” and steeling himself, he says, “Okay, I’m ready, go ahead and give me the really bad news.”
The officer says, “It’s Hillary’s handwriting.”
There once was a senator from Mass
Who wanted a strange piece of ass.
He lucked up and found it
But fucked up and drowned it
And now his future is past.
WHAT, WHY, and HOW
What is the difference between a condom and a coffin?
You come in one and go in the other.
What is a nymphomaniac?
Shut up and help me get Grandma off the doorknob.
What is a sardine?
A little fish that smells like your finger.
What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann with the Pillsbury Dough-Boy?
A red-headed bitch with a yeast infection.
What goes ha ha ha ha ha ha thump thump?
A guy laughing his balls off.
What did one lesbo vampire say to another?
See you next month.
What is the opposite of Christopher Reeves?
Christopher Walken.
What is a 6.9?
A 69 interrupted by a period.
What do a gynecologist and a pizza boy have in common?
Both get to smell it but not eat it.
What is the definition of "making love?"
Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
Gonorrhea
Why did God create yeast infections?
So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt.
Why do fags like ribbed condoms?
They get better traction in the mud.
What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?
The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it.
What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
What's the difference between mayonnaise and semen?
Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles an hour.
Why do men pay more for car insurance?
Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.
Why do women call it PMS?
Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
What's a mixed feeling?
When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
What's the height of conceit?
Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
How is pubic hair like parsley?
You push it to the side before you start eating.
Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
They don't want to wear out the camel.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and a jackass to pay for it all.
Why is Christmas Santa’s favorite time of the year?
Because its the only time of the year when he can call all the ho's he wants and his wife cant do anything about it.
What do you call a lesbian with braces?
A cheese grater.
Why is yo mamma like a vacuum cleaner?
She sucks, blows, and gets laid in a closet.
BLONDIES
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course."
The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.
When she had made her choice, the shepherd turned to her and said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"